It’s not you, it’s me…or is it really you?

February 1, 2010

OK, I couldn’t help myself. Through the magic of google (and the fact that people tend to use the same 1-3 screennames everywhere), I found that the blusher had at least five active profiles on at least five different sites. I don’t know when he created three of the profiles, so they could’ve been set up before he met me.

I don’t know why I wasted the fifteen minutes to do this. I guess I wanted to find more evidence that he’s been two-timing me from the beginning. Why? Well, to demonstrate to myself that he fucked up, not me.

Last week, he accused me of not reciprocating enough, not being interested in taking more control over him. I was trying, but I was taking baby steps. I did take care to respond to his calls, messages, etc.  after he complained about me not doing so in the past. Taking more control requires more time and energy–two things I’m short on these days. But it was building up until this past month. I was unable, due to work and stress, to ‘supervise’ him long distance in a more intense way.

But it’s not like I was ever ignoring him or his needs. We had play sessions whenever he came over, though he’s not a pain slut, so I was taking it slow on the S&M side. I began using him more as a houseboy: laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. There was also some light bondage, lots of objectification and humiliation (over the phone as well), and some fetish play too. And I was also having him, a newbie to this, undergo training in preparation for strap-on play.

I’ll admit things were still not as intense as I would’ve liked on the D/s front, but I was still trying to work through some trust issues. In particular, I’m still getting over the fear that I’m just an instrument of someone else’s pleasure and fulfillment. I mean, I know that’s what I am during play, that’s my role as a good and giving partner, but I need to know the sub really cares about me as a person in order to not feel used. I don’t know why, but I derive more pleasure from dominating someone when it comes out of my whims and desires. It doesn’t feel right when it seems like the sub is trying to elicit or manipulate domination from me. So I was holding back on the heavy-duty D/s play until I felt more comfortable with him, until I could trust him fully.

But trust takes time to establish. We started communicating back in the early Fall, and met mid-September.  We had maybe six or seven dates over the next couple of months. Then he went away for the entire month of December. We’d talked on the phone a number of times, and e-mailed regularly, but to me, it still felt like we had only just started. I don’t know–I guess I didn’t really count December. He clearly is a lot more into virtual communication than I am and probably felt like we’d known each other for a long time. In fact, when I asked, he guessed we’d been dating for well over six months! It was more like four. It still felt new to me. I still haven’t been to his house, don’t know the name of his firm, and have never met any of his friends or family–I’m not even sure if he told anyone he was seeing me.

I think he thought I was being unreasonable by wanting more time.

Months ago, I did tell him why I was going to be wary and would want to take things slowly. I thought he would understand, since he was also semi-fresh out of an intense relationship. I didn’t want to dive right in, emotionally (and domination is an emotional thing for me) until I was sure it would be safe. Now, I think my wariness might have saved me some heartache this time, but it’s hard not to also feel that I might have just sabotaged what seemed like a promising relationship by holding back.

Is it my fault it ended? Given his last e-mail to me, he seems to think so. Or maybe my subconscious was trying to warn me all along not to get too involved with a creep? Or maybe that’s just me rationalizing messed-up thinking? Maybe we’d still be together if I had done things differently. Or maybe he would’ve still jumped ship when a better prospect showed up?

I called and set up an appointment to speak to someone tomorrow. I’m glad I seem to have figured out what’s wrong with me, but the knowledge has also made me question my judgment. Was the blusher just a jerk all along? Or did our problems really stem from me?

A revelation

January 31, 2010

By way of typing words into Google at 2 am. And no, sorry, nothing sexy or kinky here.

I’ve been frustrated with how badly I feel I’ve been botching all my relationships: personal and professional. I couldn’t figure out why everything was going wrong for me. And lately, certain tendencies I’ve always had have been getting worse. It’s gotten to the point where these tendencies are taking a serious toll on my life, narrowing it, damaging possibilities, ruining friendships.

When I read the list I found, I was able to put a mental checkmark next to most  of the items on it. Memories of past incidents, situations, relationships suddenly revealed to me an underlying pattern of behavior. Viewed through the narrative of the list of symptoms, my life began to make a scary kind of sense. Scary because it revealed the seeds of a possible, unwanted future.

For awhile, I thought I just had a constant, mild case of depression. Now I think the depression was just a result of the actual problem. It is comforting knowing that there are other people just like me, that it’s a recognized disorder. My personality finally makes sense to me. It is also not comforting because it’s not well-understood and can seem like normal behavior since aspects of it affect everyone in certain situations. I think it will be difficult to explain this to people in a way that doesn’t make it seem like I’m just a fuck up or trying to get sympathy or something.

The difference is that the things everyone feels and does on occasion are things I feel and do all the time. The same kind of thinking arises in both casual and high-stress situations. And the behavior arising from that thinking is automatic, irrational at times, hard to control, more extreme.

It wasn’t so bad for awhile. I was able to fake normalcy pretty well, convincing even myself that I’d changed. But the past few years have been really rough. I’m in a more stressful place, professionally, and I think that has exacerbated these disordered patterns. I just wish I’d known about this a lot earlier. I don’t think I would have done things in the same way if I’d known that there was something that distorted my perception and affected my behavior in these very specific ways.

I’m going to set up an appointment to talk to a professional about this. I have tried therapy in the past, but it didn’t work, I think, because neither of us knew what the real issue was. And annoyingly, the disorder tends to make you want to avoid situations where you have to talk about your problems, which is why most people who have it are diagnosed later in life.

But strangely, I feel so relieved that I’ve figured out what’s wrong with me that I want to tell everyone. I want to have cards printed up with a little explanation so I can hand them out to people when I first meet them. But another part of me, the messed-up part, is strongly vetoing that idea: “They’ll think you’re crazy and unstable! Or that you’re just high-strung and hysterical! Keep quiet, lay low, don’t draw attention.” Now I have to figure out how to not only identify that controlling, anxious little voice, but resist it.

The unsatisfactory end to an unsatisfying affair

January 30, 2010

At least I got the last word. He’s been too chicken to respond. I don’t think I was that mean.

[Redacted]…You weren’t planning on calling me ever, were you? Or responding to my e-mail?

I found your newest profile, kid. It was surprisingly easy, especially since you were silly enough to use a real photograph of yourself. Now I’m wondering how many profiles you’ve had up, there and elsewhere, and who else you’ve been talking to or meeting with since we got together. It seems clear there’s been at least one.

Now I’m wondering whether those times you couldn’t make it at the last minute–your sister’s collapse, the illnesses, etc. were just more lies. Were you just out scouting for another domme and needed an excuse to break our dates?

That’s what happens when you’re deceived–you doubt everything you’ve been told.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s dishonesty.

But even if the stories weren’t lies….somehow it was acceptable for your life to get in the way of our time together, but not mine. I was very understanding about all the times you couldn’t see me because other things got in the way. You have not reciprocated this understanding. Instead, you’ve accused me of not knowing what I want.

Well, I don’t think you know what you want. You obviously like kinky women, but I don’t think you can tolerate the other stuff that comes with being with a dominant. It seems that you still want to be in charge of the relationship. Not even equal. [Redacted], if you want a kinky woman who will cater to your submissive desires, then you should look for service tops or pro-dommes and leave the natural dominants alone.

Just because I don’t want to dominate my partner all the time doesn’t mean I’m confused about my orientation or identity. I know who and what I am. I am dominant and I am kinky, but I’m more than just a domme. I need a partner who understands that, someone who is more than just a sub himself. I think your behavior reveals that you’re not a man who likes being treated like a boy sometimes…you’re just a boy.

I’m sorry you turned out to be this way. I’d already had a bad feeling about subs before meeting you. This has just confirmed my suspicions.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t beat the living fuck out of you when I had the chance.

I’m not terribly upset, though I’m a little hurt that he didn’t even bother telling me it was over explicitly. I guess I never mattered much to him in the first place. And I’m definitely annoyed that I wasted the past few months on someone who turned out to be so worthless. I thought there was potential there, but I guess I was wrong.

Hot Hot Heat – “Shame On You”