Archive for the 'the former boy' Category

It’s probably me

February 2, 2010

I just skipped over to the former boy’s blog out of curiosity. Almost immediately, I found out he’s moving in with his domme–the one he hooked up with shortly after our thing ended. It’s been about six months.

So he’s moving in with her and thrilled about it, it seems. I still remember standing on that train platform and hearing him bluster about not wanting a relationship, how shocked and sad I felt. And all those times I heard him go on and on and on about how he’s still so devastated from his divorce (which was years ago) that he couldn’t ever let himself get serious about anyone, that he was “broken.”

Bullshit.

He just couldn’t get serious about me. It’s miraculous how his heart healed so soon after we ended.  It took him zero days to get over me because he never gave a shit about me. Not really. He cared about the domme, not the woman. He’s said otherwise, but if he were being honest, I think he’d acknowledge that I was just a convenience for him. A domination-dispensing machine. A nothing. Definitely not even a real ‘friend’.

I’m now thinking that the blusher will probably be at least engaged to this new woman by the end of this year.

That’s what I do. I find men and fix them up for other women. I should start charging for this service.

I can’t believe I keep getting involved with men who have no intention of getting serious with me, who don’t really care about me except as a means towards their own gratification. I’m sure if you asked either of them, the problem was me, just me. Something wrong with me.

And that’s just in the past year, in kinkworld. I haven’t even mentioned the vanilla guy I was involved with prior to meeting the former boy. He was similarly conflicted about our whatever-it-was. He didn’t mind screwing me, but couldn’t bring himself to ask me on a proper date. He began dating someone seriously not long after our whatever-it-was ended.

Not good enough. Nothing. Nobody.

Clearly I should just resign myself to my fate. I’m just a stepping stone, a rest stop, something to play around with until someone better shows up–someone real and worthy. I’m not worthy of love or affection. Hell, even decency and kindness are too good for me. I’m just a domme, just some girl, just a fling, a thing–replaceable, inherently worthless.

Use me, throw me away. It’s fine, boys. I’m used to it. I shouldn’t expect anything better anyhow.

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Fed up

January 29, 2010

I’m officially giving up on submissive men. Fuck them all. They are selfish and even worse, manipulative and sneaky. I can’t trust a submissive man. His desires drive him in such a way as to scramble his ethics. I hate dishonesty above all else and for some reason, the submissive men I’ve met couldn’t ever be fully honest with me. (FYI: Deceit by omission counts as lying).

I don’t want to deal with men who keep back-up dommes on the side in case one doesn’t meet their expectations.

Look, I’m a person, not a goddess. I make mistakes. I have personality flaws. I don’t always do or say the thing you want me to do or say. And I’m fucking busy now so I can’t cater to your every submissive whim these days. But none of that justifies you meeting other women on the sly, or taking up with one instantly after deciding things with me weren’t going to work out (without informing me of this decision either).

I have feelings, asshole.

So I’m done. I’m tired of being objectified. I’m tired of being faced with unreasonable expectations and demands. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m just. So. Damned. Tired.

Contempt

October 11, 2009

“The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.” Lester Bangs.

That disaster I met in August (who will henceforth be known as ‘Jug Ears’ because I’m an asshole) remarked off-handedly that sometimes I seem to be contemptuous of submissives. I told him it was a bad time to ask me what I think of them in general, given recent events, and we moved on.

But I’ve been thinking on and off about it. I wonder sometimes whether I do feel contempt for submissives, whether part of me looks down on them (and not in the fun, sexy way). I definitely admire the ability to endure physical and mental discomfort or torment. But there are other flavors of submission, particularly the humiliation-oriented stuff, that actively seem to invite the disdain of the dominant. I’m less certain where I stand regarding this kind of submission.

I recently came across a profile of a really, really handsome switch. Dark, well-built, slightly rugged but in an uptown, Rhett Butler-esque way. Perfect, wolfish jaw and teasing smile. Exactly the kind of masculine beauty I enjoy. I sent him a semi-flirty message complimenting him on the pictures and thought that was that.

He wrote back, though, mentioning that he likes cross dressing, specifically in women’s underwear. Wearing silky panties turns him on. He even included a pretty effed-up looking picture of his face superimposed onto a woman’s body.

Of course.

After that, he sent me a little story he wrote starring himself with me  (or a character he called by my screen name) playing a supporting role…literally. I was drawing him bubble baths and helping him put on makeup and fucking his ass with a strap-on and making him feel all pretty and feminine and desired. What the fuck? What kind of (non-pro) dominant would be interested in providing this level of service?

Being inexperienced with this kink, I don’t think I have a right to make any definitive statement about forced feminization or sissification. Is it demeaning to women? Or just an expression of some men’s deep admiration for women? Are sissies just frustrated trans girls who happen to enjoy D/s? Are they men who like being feminized? Or men who like being emasculated? Both? Neither?

Yeah, lots of questions. And I’ve never been with or known a sissy or anyone who was into gender-fucking. Jug Ears was bisexual (and kinda gross about it…checking out men right in front of me. Unacceptable.) and had a slightly femme quality, but that was it. Every other guy I’ve been with, vanilla and kinky, have been total dudes. I made the former boy put on a pair of my underwear once (plain bikini style…I have pretty boring underwear) and he hated it. He felt silly and, while it amused me, it wasn’t at all a turn-on.

I can enjoy and admire femme energy, femininity. But it doesn’t get me wet like the spiky, bristled, hard, roughness of the masculine. I’ve never been attracted to androgynous pretty boys. I like men who look like men, even if that means they’re a wee bit ugly.

There’s also something more…interesting about seeing a butch person brought to his knees. I just have no desire to dominate someone I perceive as soft or dainty, maybe because I’m not sexually drawn to soft and dainty. (Or maybe because it doesn’t seem to be as much of a challenge?) And I’d never be hot for a man wearing lipstick and lingerie, flitting about pretending to be a girl either. Like a lot of kinks I don’t understand or am into myself, it seems more ludicrous than sexy.

I’d like to think that I only feel contempt for contemptible people, whatever their orientation or identity is. But now that I’ve thought about it, I’m not entirely sure that’s the case. It’s hard for me to understand how you could dress your husband or boyfriend or lover in lingerie, or put him in a diaper and stick a pacifier in his mouth and not feel some amount of contempt for him. I mean, at a certain level, isn’t that what he’s seeking? To excite scorn and perhaps even disgust? And isn’t contempt the kiss of death for relationships?

I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t finished sorting through my feelings about this. I’m getting involved with someone who’s very into being humiliated and degraded, which is very new for me. My previous sub emphatically did not like verbal abuse and had to be constantly reassured that I liked and was attracted to him. This potential sub claims to have a thick skin, but I still feel like I’m entering what could be hazardous terrain. I already have an acerbic personality and my (socialized) inclination is to minimize the bile I spew. I don’t really know what will happen with a sub who seems to welcome it.

My initial instinct is caution, as I’m not sure how thick his skin really is, nor am I certain how I’ll react. Perhaps engaging in this variety of kink will affect my feelings about this submissive. Perhaps it won’t. We’ll see.