Archive for the 'submissives' Category

It’s probably me

February 2, 2010

I just skipped over to the former boy’s blog out of curiosity. Almost immediately, I found out he’s moving in with his domme–the one he hooked up with shortly after our thing ended. It’s been about six months.

So he’s moving in with her and thrilled about it, it seems. I still remember standing on that train platform and hearing him bluster about not wanting a relationship, how shocked and sad I felt. And all those times I heard him go on and on and on about how he’s still so devastated from his divorce (which was years ago) that he couldn’t ever let himself get serious about anyone, that he was “broken.”

Bullshit.

He just couldn’t get serious about me. It’s miraculous how his heart healed so soon after we ended.  It took him zero days to get over me because he never gave a shit about me. Not really. He cared about the domme, not the woman. He’s said otherwise, but if he were being honest, I think he’d acknowledge that I was just a convenience for him. A domination-dispensing machine. A nothing. Definitely not even a real ‘friend’.

I’m now thinking that the blusher will probably be at least engaged to this new woman by the end of this year.

That’s what I do. I find men and fix them up for other women. I should start charging for this service.

I can’t believe I keep getting involved with men who have no intention of getting serious with me, who don’t really care about me except as a means towards their own gratification. I’m sure if you asked either of them, the problem was me, just me. Something wrong with me.

And that’s just in the past year, in kinkworld. I haven’t even mentioned the vanilla guy I was involved with prior to meeting the former boy. He was similarly conflicted about our whatever-it-was. He didn’t mind screwing me, but couldn’t bring himself to ask me on a proper date. He began dating someone seriously not long after our whatever-it-was ended.

Not good enough. Nothing. Nobody.

Clearly I should just resign myself to my fate. I’m just a stepping stone, a rest stop, something to play around with until someone better shows up–someone real and worthy. I’m not worthy of love or affection. Hell, even decency and kindness are too good for me. I’m just a domme, just some girl, just a fling, a thing–replaceable, inherently worthless.

Use me, throw me away. It’s fine, boys. I’m used to it. I shouldn’t expect anything better anyhow.

The unsatisfactory end to an unsatisfying affair

January 30, 2010

At least I got the last word. He’s been too chicken to respond. I don’t think I was that mean.

[Redacted]…You weren’t planning on calling me ever, were you? Or responding to my e-mail?

I found your newest profile, kid. It was surprisingly easy, especially since you were silly enough to use a real photograph of yourself. Now I’m wondering how many profiles you’ve had up, there and elsewhere, and who else you’ve been talking to or meeting with since we got together. It seems clear there’s been at least one.

Now I’m wondering whether those times you couldn’t make it at the last minute–your sister’s collapse, the illnesses, etc. were just more lies. Were you just out scouting for another domme and needed an excuse to break our dates?

That’s what happens when you’re deceived–you doubt everything you’ve been told.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s dishonesty.

But even if the stories weren’t lies….somehow it was acceptable for your life to get in the way of our time together, but not mine. I was very understanding about all the times you couldn’t see me because other things got in the way. You have not reciprocated this understanding. Instead, you’ve accused me of not knowing what I want.

Well, I don’t think you know what you want. You obviously like kinky women, but I don’t think you can tolerate the other stuff that comes with being with a dominant. It seems that you still want to be in charge of the relationship. Not even equal. [Redacted], if you want a kinky woman who will cater to your submissive desires, then you should look for service tops or pro-dommes and leave the natural dominants alone.

Just because I don’t want to dominate my partner all the time doesn’t mean I’m confused about my orientation or identity. I know who and what I am. I am dominant and I am kinky, but I’m more than just a domme. I need a partner who understands that, someone who is more than just a sub himself. I think your behavior reveals that you’re not a man who likes being treated like a boy sometimes…you’re just a boy.

I’m sorry you turned out to be this way. I’d already had a bad feeling about subs before meeting you. This has just confirmed my suspicions.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t beat the living fuck out of you when I had the chance.

I’m not terribly upset, though I’m a little hurt that he didn’t even bother telling me it was over explicitly. I guess I never mattered much to him in the first place. And I’m definitely annoyed that I wasted the past few months on someone who turned out to be so worthless. I thought there was potential there, but I guess I was wrong.

Hot Hot Heat – “Shame On You”

Fed up

January 29, 2010

I’m officially giving up on submissive men. Fuck them all. They are selfish and even worse, manipulative and sneaky. I can’t trust a submissive man. His desires drive him in such a way as to scramble his ethics. I hate dishonesty above all else and for some reason, the submissive men I’ve met couldn’t ever be fully honest with me. (FYI: Deceit by omission counts as lying).

I don’t want to deal with men who keep back-up dommes on the side in case one doesn’t meet their expectations.

Look, I’m a person, not a goddess. I make mistakes. I have personality flaws. I don’t always do or say the thing you want me to do or say. And I’m fucking busy now so I can’t cater to your every submissive whim these days. But none of that justifies you meeting other women on the sly, or taking up with one instantly after deciding things with me weren’t going to work out (without informing me of this decision either).

I have feelings, asshole.

So I’m done. I’m tired of being objectified. I’m tired of being faced with unreasonable expectations and demands. I’m tired of being hurt. I’m just. So. Damned. Tired.