Archive for the 'self-loathing' Category

A mistake

September 2, 2009

I thought I was getting past it, but I guess I’m not.

Fuck me, this is going to sound so fucking 2009-pathetic of me, but I briefly checked out the former boy’s Facebook page tonight. That was a mistake. There were pictures of his new domme there and his glowing comments about her. Another reminder of how different our thing was from this.

I am actively trying to find a new boy. I am trying to move on. I don’t know why I can’t. He’s not worth this feeling. I just don’t understand.

If  I could, I would erase the past year. And now I don’t want to do it over. I just want it gone for good.


August 30, 2009

It’s late and I can’t sleep. I was suddenly struck by the thought that I’ll never find the right person. There’s something wrong with me, how I go about this, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m becoming more and more certain that I am going to end up alone. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being lonely.

Feist – “Lonely, Lonely”

I, Emmet Ray

August 27, 2009

Though I’m not obsessed with besting Django Reinhardt.

OK, this is depressing. I just figured out that I’m mad at the-boy-formerly-known-as-the-boy for finding a Domme so soon after I ended things. Because he never gave me the chance to cool down, to ask him for another go.

And now it’s too late.

Have any of you ever actually seen the Woody Allen film I named myself after? One of my favorite scenes comes near the end, after Emmet dumps Hattie and then realizes, painfully, overwhelmingly, that he’s fucked it all up. I remember distinctly the heartbreaking way he bellowed, “I made a mistake! I made a mistake!”

That pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I think I messed up, and now I’m trying to deal with it.

Someone suggested that I just needed some rebound action, but I don’t think cock or play is the answer. I think I need to figure out why I fall for men who aren’t right for me, and why I torpedo things that seem to have potential.

Maybe I don’t really want to be happy. Maybe deep down, I don’t think I deserve it.