Archive for the 'self-loathing' Category

It’s probably me

February 2, 2010

I just skipped over to the former boy’s blog out of curiosity. Almost immediately, I found out he’s moving in with his domme–the one he hooked up with shortly after our thing ended. It’s been about six months.

So he’s moving in with her and thrilled about it, it seems. I still remember standing on that train platform and hearing him bluster about not wanting a relationship, how shocked and sad I felt. And all those times I heard him go on and on and on about how he’s still so devastated from his divorce (which was years ago) that he couldn’t ever let himself get serious about anyone, that he was “broken.”

Bullshit.

He just couldn’t get serious about me. It’s miraculous how his heart healed so soon after we ended.  It took him zero days to get over me because he never gave a shit about me. Not really. He cared about the domme, not the woman. He’s said otherwise, but if he were being honest, I think he’d acknowledge that I was just a convenience for him. A domination-dispensing machine. A nothing. Definitely not even a real ‘friend’.

I’m now thinking that the blusher will probably be at least engaged to this new woman by the end of this year.

That’s what I do. I find men and fix them up for other women. I should start charging for this service.

I can’t believe I keep getting involved with men who have no intention of getting serious with me, who don’t really care about me except as a means towards their own gratification. I’m sure if you asked either of them, the problem was me, just me. Something wrong with me.

And that’s just in the past year, in kinkworld. I haven’t even mentioned the vanilla guy I was involved with prior to meeting the former boy. He was similarly conflicted about our whatever-it-was. He didn’t mind screwing me, but couldn’t bring himself to ask me on a proper date. He began dating someone seriously not long after our whatever-it-was ended.

Not good enough. Nothing. Nobody.

Clearly I should just resign myself to my fate. I’m just a stepping stone, a rest stop, something to play around with until someone better shows up–someone real and worthy. I’m not worthy of love or affection. Hell, even decency and kindness are too good for me. I’m just a domme, just some girl, just a fling, a thing–replaceable, inherently worthless.

Use me, throw me away. It’s fine, boys. I’m used to it. I shouldn’t expect anything better anyhow.

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It’s not you, it’s me…or is it really you?

February 1, 2010

OK, I couldn’t help myself. Through the magic of google (and the fact that people tend to use the same 1-3 screennames everywhere), I found that the blusher had at least five active profiles on at least five different sites. I don’t know when he created three of the profiles, so they could’ve been set up before he met me.

I don’t know why I wasted the fifteen minutes to do this. I guess I wanted to find more evidence that he’s been two-timing me from the beginning. Why? Well, to demonstrate to myself that he fucked up, not me.

Last week, he accused me of not reciprocating enough, not being interested in taking more control over him. I was trying, but I was taking baby steps. I did take care to respond to his calls, messages, etc.  after he complained about me not doing so in the past. Taking more control requires more time and energy–two things I’m short on these days. But it was building up until this past month. I was unable, due to work and stress, to ‘supervise’ him long distance in a more intense way.

But it’s not like I was ever ignoring him or his needs. We had play sessions whenever he came over, though he’s not a pain slut, so I was taking it slow on the S&M side. I began using him more as a houseboy: laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. There was also some light bondage, lots of objectification and humiliation (over the phone as well), and some fetish play too. And I was also having him, a newbie to this, undergo training in preparation for strap-on play.

I’ll admit things were still not as intense as I would’ve liked on the D/s front, but I was still trying to work through some trust issues. In particular, I’m still getting over the fear that I’m just an instrument of someone else’s pleasure and fulfillment. I mean, I know that’s what I am during play, that’s my role as a good and giving partner, but I need to know the sub really cares about me as a person in order to not feel used. I don’t know why, but I derive more pleasure from dominating someone when it comes out of my whims and desires. It doesn’t feel right when it seems like the sub is trying to elicit or manipulate domination from me. So I was holding back on the heavy-duty D/s play until I felt more comfortable with him, until I could trust him fully.

But trust takes time to establish. We started communicating back in the early Fall, and met mid-September.  We had maybe six or seven dates over the next couple of months. Then he went away for the entire month of December. We’d talked on the phone a number of times, and e-mailed regularly, but to me, it still felt like we had only just started. I don’t know–I guess I didn’t really count December. He clearly is a lot more into virtual communication than I am and probably felt like we’d known each other for a long time. In fact, when I asked, he guessed we’d been dating for well over six months! It was more like four. It still felt new to me. I still haven’t been to his house, don’t know the name of his firm, and have never met any of his friends or family–I’m not even sure if he told anyone he was seeing me.

I think he thought I was being unreasonable by wanting more time.

Months ago, I did tell him why I was going to be wary and would want to take things slowly. I thought he would understand, since he was also semi-fresh out of an intense relationship. I didn’t want to dive right in, emotionally (and domination is an emotional thing for me) until I was sure it would be safe. Now, I think my wariness might have saved me some heartache this time, but it’s hard not to also feel that I might have just sabotaged what seemed like a promising relationship by holding back.

Is it my fault it ended? Given his last e-mail to me, he seems to think so. Or maybe my subconscious was trying to warn me all along not to get too involved with a creep? Or maybe that’s just me rationalizing messed-up thinking? Maybe we’d still be together if I had done things differently. Or maybe he would’ve still jumped ship when a better prospect showed up?

I called and set up an appointment to speak to someone tomorrow. I’m glad I seem to have figured out what’s wrong with me, but the knowledge has also made me question my judgment. Was the blusher just a jerk all along? Or did our problems really stem from me?

Just let me go

September 12, 2009

I thought I was doing OK. Then I got an e-mail from the former boy. He wanted to know why (and I realize how lame this is going to sound) I de-friended him on Facebook. He wondered how I was doing.

Every damned time I get any notice that he still exists, I just plunge straight back into sadness and self-loathing. I didn’t want him showing up on my newsfeeds. I didn’t want to hear from him so I stopped e-mailing him altogether. I’ll admit I had a little bit of a breakdown when I read that brief two-line message. I went through the rest of the day in a fog.

I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I’ve regressed to how I was over the summer.

Man, it is so unfair. I ended it, so why am I still so broken up about it? Why can’t I shake this? And I’m starting to get angry with him for wanting to be in my life at all. He’s still trying to maintain a connection and I just want to forget he exists. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave me alone. It’s like he’s trying to hurt me some more.

I did try the friendship thing at one point, but he just proceeded as though nothing had happened, e-mailing me throughout the workday like he used to. I suspect he just likes having me available as a sounding board, or as a source of amusement or support….or he’s just greedy. He wants to be liked. He seeks approval.

I don’t want to give him anything else. Looking back, I can now see how one-sided our relationship had become. I was feeding him and he was happy and strong from it. I just became sadder and lonelier. Now, if there’s one thing I can take some petty pleasure in, it’s being able to deny him me. He didn’t want me? Well, now he can’t have any of me.

All along, he’s been saying that he cares about me and that’s why he wants to stay in touch. But his breezy little check-in e-mails have never failed to upset me. Reading them, it’s like nothing has happened. Clearly, none of it mattered enough to get him down for long. He‘s moved on, but he still wants his buddy hanging around.

It pisses me off that he actually thinks he cares about my well-being. He knows how I’ve been feeling. He reads this blog. He doesn’t need another friend. He can take his shit to his Mistress or to his actual friends. If he had ever really cared about me, he would have left me alone, let me go.

So I finally told him that I don’t want to see or hear from him again. I don’t want his ‘friendship’. I’m not going to be another one of his ex/friends (of which he has many) and visit or “shoot the shit” with him ever. I have real friends for that. I’m fine with ending things civilly, but there’s no  point in maintaining a relationship of any kind. We don’t live in the same city, share any friends, or have to work together. A friendship would only help him feel better about his life and would prevent me from moving on with mine.

He quickly e-mailed back to say that he’ll think of me “fondly”. (I guess he just can’t stand not having the last word) “Fondly”? Fucking really? As if I’m a favorite niece or something. Guess I was right about the depth of his feelings for me after all. He’s long maintained that I’ve been more than just a  fuckbuddy to him, but honestly, he never acted like it. His remarkably fast recovery from our break-up was just the latest bit of evidence.

I’m going to try not to think about him at all. Fuck him. He’s not worth it. He never was.

I should never have gotten involved with someone who was broken. I guess I thought I could fix him. I wasn’t expecting him to break me instead.