Archive for the 'sadness' Category

Just let me go

September 12, 2009

I thought I was doing OK. Then I got an e-mail from the former boy. He wanted to know why (and I realize how lame this is going to sound) I de-friended him on Facebook. He wondered how I was doing.

Every damned time I get any notice that he still exists, I just plunge straight back into sadness and self-loathing. I didn’t want him showing up on my newsfeeds. I didn’t want to hear from him so I stopped e-mailing him altogether. I’ll admit I had a little bit of a breakdown when I read that brief two-line message. I went through the rest of the day in a fog.

I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I’ve regressed to how I was over the summer.

Man, it is so unfair. I ended it, so why am I still so broken up about it? Why can’t I shake this? And I’m starting to get angry with him for wanting to be in my life at all. He’s still trying to maintain a connection and I just want to forget he exists. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave me alone. It’s like he’s trying to hurt me some more.

I did try the friendship thing at one point, but he just proceeded as though nothing had happened, e-mailing me throughout the workday like he used to. I suspect he just likes having me available as a sounding board, or as a source of amusement or support….or he’s just greedy. He wants to be liked. He seeks approval.

I don’t want to give him anything else. Looking back, I can now see how one-sided our relationship had become. I was feeding him and he was happy and strong from it. I just became sadder and lonelier. Now, if there’s one thing I can take some petty pleasure in, it’s being able to deny him me. He didn’t want me? Well, now he can’t have any of me.

All along, he’s been saying that he cares about me and that’s why he wants to stay in touch. But his breezy little check-in e-mails have never failed to upset me. Reading them, it’s like nothing has happened. Clearly, none of it mattered enough to get him down for long. He‘s moved on, but he still wants his buddy hanging around.

It pisses me off that he actually thinks he cares about my well-being. He knows how I’ve been feeling. He reads this blog. He doesn’t need another friend. He can take his shit to his Mistress or to his actual friends. If he had ever really cared about me, he would have left me alone, let me go.

So I finally told him that I don’t want to see or hear from him again. I don’t want his ‘friendship’. I’m not going to be another one of his ex/friends (of which he has many) and visit or “shoot the shit” with him ever. I have real friends for that. I’m fine with ending things civilly, but there’s no  point in maintaining a relationship of any kind. We don’t live in the same city, share any friends, or have to work together. A friendship would only help him feel better about his life and would prevent me from moving on with mine.

He quickly e-mailed back to say that he’ll think of me “fondly”. (I guess he just can’t stand not having the last word) “Fondly”? Fucking really? As if I’m a favorite niece or something. Guess I was right about the depth of his feelings for me after all. He’s long maintained that I’ve been more than just a  fuckbuddy to him, but honestly, he never acted like it. His remarkably fast recovery from our break-up was just the latest bit of evidence.

I’m going to try not to think about him at all. Fuck him. He’s not worth it. He never was.

I should never have gotten involved with someone who was broken. I guess I thought I could fix him. I wasn’t expecting him to break me instead.

A mistake

September 2, 2009

I thought I was getting past it, but I guess I’m not.

Fuck me, this is going to sound so fucking 2009-pathetic of me, but I briefly checked out the former boy’s Facebook page tonight. That was a mistake. There were pictures of his new domme there and his glowing comments about her. Another reminder of how different our thing was from this.

I am actively trying to find a new boy. I am trying to move on. I don’t know why I can’t. He’s not worth this feeling. I just don’t understand.

If  I could, I would erase the past year. And now I don’t want to do it over. I just want it gone for good.

September

September 1, 2009

I’ve never associated the beginning of the year with January. It’s always been September for me—the end of the slow, hot days of summer, the beginning of school. New clothes, new pencils, new faces. Decisions to make, choices to regret.

Fall is my favorite season, even though it makes me melancholic. (Exactly this: ‘melancholic’—not sad, wistful nor nostalgic, but all three). The vague smokiness, the cool bite to the air even on a sunny day….September always seems to promise change of some kind. It’s an unsettling time of year.

I figured out I was kinky last Fall. I met the-boy-formerly-known-as-the-boy last Fall.  I began to rethink myself last Fall.

Last Fall seemed to promise something new, but it turned out to be just another iteration of an old pattern. This Fall, I’m alone, regretful, wrestling with deadlines, older but maybe not wiser.

I want to go back and start over. And I want to move on and forget.

I am hoping for the next act in the play to begin.

Neko Case “Hold On, Hold On”