Archive for the 'power exchange' Category


October 11, 2009

“The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.” Lester Bangs.

That disaster I met in August (who will henceforth be known as ‘Jug Ears’ because I’m an asshole) remarked off-handedly that sometimes I seem to be contemptuous of submissives. I told him it was a bad time to ask me what I think of them in general, given recent events, and we moved on.

But I’ve been thinking on and off about it. I wonder sometimes whether I do feel contempt for submissives, whether part of me looks down on them (and not in the fun, sexy way). I definitely admire the ability to endure physical and mental discomfort or torment. But there are other flavors of submission, particularly the humiliation-oriented stuff, that actively seem to invite the disdain of the dominant. I’m less certain where I stand regarding this kind of submission.

I recently came across a profile of a really, really handsome switch. Dark, well-built, slightly rugged but in an uptown, Rhett Butler-esque way. Perfect, wolfish jaw and teasing smile. Exactly the kind of masculine beauty I enjoy. I sent him a semi-flirty message complimenting him on the pictures and thought that was that.

He wrote back, though, mentioning that he likes cross dressing, specifically in women’s underwear. Wearing silky panties turns him on. He even included a pretty effed-up looking picture of his face superimposed onto a woman’s body.

Of course.

After that, he sent me a little story he wrote starring himself with me  (or a character he called by my screen name) playing a supporting role…literally. I was drawing him bubble baths and helping him put on makeup and fucking his ass with a strap-on and making him feel all pretty and feminine and desired. What the fuck? What kind of (non-pro) dominant would be interested in providing this level of service?

Being inexperienced with this kink, I don’t think I have a right to make any definitive statement about forced feminization or sissification. Is it demeaning to women? Or just an expression of some men’s deep admiration for women? Are sissies just frustrated trans girls who happen to enjoy D/s? Are they men who like being feminized? Or men who like being emasculated? Both? Neither?

Yeah, lots of questions. And I’ve never been with or known a sissy or anyone who was into gender-fucking. Jug Ears was bisexual (and kinda gross about it…checking out men right in front of me. Unacceptable.) and had a slightly femme quality, but that was it. Every other guy I’ve been with, vanilla and kinky, have been total dudes. I made the former boy put on a pair of my underwear once (plain bikini style…I have pretty boring underwear) and he hated it. He felt silly and, while it amused me, it wasn’t at all a turn-on.

I can enjoy and admire femme energy, femininity. But it doesn’t get me wet like the spiky, bristled, hard, roughness of the masculine. I’ve never been attracted to androgynous pretty boys. I like men who look like men, even if that means they’re a wee bit ugly.

There’s also something more…interesting about seeing a butch person brought to his knees. I just have no desire to dominate someone I perceive as soft or dainty, maybe because I’m not sexually drawn to soft and dainty. (Or maybe because it doesn’t seem to be as much of a challenge?) And I’d never be hot for a man wearing lipstick and lingerie, flitting about pretending to be a girl either. Like a lot of kinks I don’t understand or am into myself, it seems more ludicrous than sexy.

I’d like to think that I only feel contempt for contemptible people, whatever their orientation or identity is. But now that I’ve thought about it, I’m not entirely sure that’s the case. It’s hard for me to understand how you could dress your husband or boyfriend or lover in lingerie, or put him in a diaper and stick a pacifier in his mouth and not feel some amount of contempt for him. I mean, at a certain level, isn’t that what he’s seeking? To excite scorn and perhaps even disgust? And isn’t contempt the kiss of death for relationships?

I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t finished sorting through my feelings about this. I’m getting involved with someone who’s very into being humiliated and degraded, which is very new for me. My previous sub emphatically did not like verbal abuse and had to be constantly reassured that I liked and was attracted to him. This potential sub claims to have a thick skin, but I still feel like I’m entering what could be hazardous terrain. I already have an acerbic personality and my (socialized) inclination is to minimize the bile I spew. I don’t really know what will happen with a sub who seems to welcome it.

My initial instinct is caution, as I’m not sure how thick his skin really is, nor am I certain how I’ll react. Perhaps engaging in this variety of kink will affect my feelings about this submissive. Perhaps it won’t. We’ll see.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea

July 5, 2009

I’m still learning new things about myself and my kinks. Like, these days I’m starting to suspect that my kinky imagination, my sexual creativity and fire, is fueled by (surprise, surprise) emotional connection.

I gave up on one-night stands awhile ago. It’s not about the walk of shame, or a moral problem, or fear of disease or anything like that. They’re just blah. Unfortunately, I can’t come with just anyone. Orgasm-less sex might make sense in the context of an emotionally-fulfilling relationship, but it’s damned pointless otherwise.

So I’ve stopped fucking around. It’s a waste of time and condoms for me. Serial monogamy works out better for me.

And I’m starting to figure out that this is true for D/s and kink as well. Chemistry might be enough to spark something hot and fast, but it’s not enough on its own to sustain ongoing sexual exploration. I don’t know about you, but I need to trust my partner, feel comfortable with him, have a good rapport and unobstructed lines of communication, in order to have my dirty fun.

So….casual play. It’s probably not going to be as fulfilling as play with someone I know and care about (and who cares about me), but I can’t rule it out entirely at this point. I just haven’t had the chance to indulge yet. And I’ve been satisfied enough with my current thing to not seek it out.

But…I’ve begun to wonder if I’m missing out by sticking with one person. What (or who) else is out there? Am I getting too comfortable? Would there be a different kind of intensity with someone I don’t know very well? (The sizzle of novelty?) Shouldn’t I be pushing myself to meet new people? What kind of kinkster settles so damned quickly?

And so I get all restless and annoy the bejeezus out of myself. And then I have to remind myself that I’m a terrible, black-hearted misanthrope and hermit and hate meeting new people, and also that any kind of one-off is likely to be unfulfilling.

So I guess my options are the status quo or to find my kinky + vanilla perfect mate. But then, I sure as hell don’t have the time or patience to do the latter. So here I am.

Well, damn. Fuck.

This is what happens when you’re slutty, but not slutty enough.

In a cage

June 22, 2009

I like this contraption because of the contrast between the skin and steel. I imagine how it would taste and feel, warm and cold, yielding and unyielding.

It’s not so much about enforcing chastity. There is just something so much better about a cock that is somehow trapped or enclosed. I don’t know what it is, exactly. Maybe I just like he image of flesh straining against restraints (which is why totally enclosed cock cages don’t seem as fun to me as strappy designs).

Or perhaps it is knowing that the wearer is experiencing both intense pain and pleasure? (Though I’ll admit that feeling an erection pushing insistently through a pair of jeans can be just as hot).

Or maybe it’s the knowledge that the wearer is hot and hard for me that is exciting. That I am the locus of his desire and the cause of his suffering. I love tease and denial for the same reason. I love arousing that sort of intense longing, lust, and then twisting it, making him want it so much that his very desire becomes painful.

This duality is what makes play for me, gives it the kind of intensity I crave. Once I hit the boy’s inner thighs with a wooden spoon while going down on him. He didn’t know if he was moaning from the pain or pleasure. I kept him hard and left marks that took days to heal.

If I ever get into a serious relationship, I think I’ll want to explore chastity and chastity devices more. I don’t agree with the ‘femdom’ stance on controlling men by policing their sexuality. If I want to be treated more considerately by my partner, I doubt locking a steel cage on his nether regions would do the trick.

I think of chastity purely in sadistic terms. Simply put: teasing someone mercilessly, then not allowing him to orgasm, then doing it again, and again, and again is a form of torture. Doing that when that person hasn’t been able to come in days or weeks? Even better. You will see  heightened desperation in your bottom, more intense neediness, deeper submission, plentiful begging, and if you do it right, tears.

Sigh. Someday…