Archive for the 'insecurity' Category

A mistake

September 2, 2009

I thought I was getting past it, but I guess I’m not.

Fuck me, this is going to sound so fucking 2009-pathetic of me, but I briefly checked out the former boy’s Facebook page tonight. That was a mistake. There were pictures of his new domme there and his glowing comments about her. Another reminder of how different our thing was from this.

I am actively trying to find a new boy. I am trying to move on. I don’t know why I can’t. He’s not worth this feeling. I just don’t understand.

If  I could, I would erase the past year. And now I don’t want to do it over. I just want it gone for good.

Tonight

August 30, 2009

It’s late and I can’t sleep. I was suddenly struck by the thought that I’ll never find the right person. There’s something wrong with me, how I go about this, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m becoming more and more certain that I am going to end up alone. I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being lonely.

Feist – “Lonely, Lonely”

Dreams and delusions

August 17, 2009

Just read another e-mail from the boy.

I’m ashamed to say I sent him one late last night, telling him that I wanted him to care for me more than he did. That his evident unwillingness to go further than friend, fuck buddy and play partner was eventually what led me to ending it.

Maybe I was hoping he’d write back and say he cared as much for me as I cared for him. Stupid, stupid.

No, I just got another one in which he expresses his guilt but also tries to exculpate himself. He didn’t ‘cheat’ on me by going to her while we were together (we were in an open relationship, so what the fuck does it matter?) Whatever happened just happened, without any planning on his part. He misses me, his ‘friend’.

That’s how he always referred to me. I guess that really was all there was to it.

Angry again. Feeling sick.

He fucked her. He submitted to her. He loved it. She wanted him. She collared him. He’s trying to get me to forgive him, I think. It’s been about four weeks. He’s a fast worker, I’ll give him that.

Nothing else. I told him to stop contacting me. His messages just fuck with me.

Angry now. Crying yet fucking again.  Angry at myself for crying.

Give me some time and I’ll turn it all into a little diamond of hate. I would like to hurt him, badly. But how do you hurt a masochist? I’ll just learn to hate him instead. Or forget him entirely.

The fastest way to stop mooning after someone who doesn’t give a shit about you is to find someone who does. The worst part of this little interlude is that it’s made me even more mistrustful of men. So it will take some doing. Meanwhile, I’m being extremely pathetic, I know.

I just don’t want to spend too many more nights sleeping alone and having unhappy dreams.

The Smiths – “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me”