Archive for the 'feminism' Category

Bitter and kinky

August 29, 2009

So I have a Collar Me profile in which I describe myself as attractive, intelligent and well-educated. I hardly think that sounds like insufferable bragging. And no, my screen name is not ‘Queen/Princess/Goddess Something-or-Other’ either. I also specify in my profile that I want someone who  is intelligent and has at least a college degree (with more advanced degrees being a plus).

Yet here’s a message I got the other day from some submissive. Spelling and grammatical errors are original:

“why do mingers call themselves goddess?? vanity is a female trait.. You should think yourself lucky that men do not have a set list of criteria for a partner (oh because i’m intellegent) That would be the end of the human race. Get real idiot and show your face if you claim to be so attractive.”

I think this was sent in response to a comment I made in my profile about how lots of men call themselves handsome (specifically, ‘handsome’…not ‘cute’ or ‘attractive’) and are usually mediocre-looking at best. (Am I nuts or aren’t most people pretty well aware of where they fall on the attractiveness scale?) It’s not vanity on their parts; it’s self-delusion at best, false advertising at worst.

First, I can take criticism. But I can’t take criticism that makes no sense.  My profile has a doctored picture of myself and because it doesn’t show my entire face, people occasionally will accuse me of being ugly and like, trying to hide it. Hello? Most profiles on this BDSM website do not have clear, head-on pictures either. Most people do not want to take the chance that their sexual peccadilloes (which are still defined as paraphilias by the DSM, by the way) will be revealed to a still disapproving world.

Using these kinds of websites can be so damned irritating. If I’m too vague about what I want, then I get lots of messages from the wrong kind of people, i.e. uneducated, not particularly smart, way too old or unattractive. If I’m too specific, then I’m accused of being a shallow, demanding bitch by bitters who obviously don’t measure up.

And yet I see millions of ads by men looking for a particular body type, ethnicity/race,  or hair color…as if women are like flavors of ice cream to sample. A “set list of criteria for a partner” indeed! At least my criteria are not entirely superficial. Just because an awful lot of men out there are willing to shackle themselves to a pretty idiot doesn’t mean I am.

So why is it that a woman who wants a man who matches her in terms of  looks and intellect is something to be angry about? I mean, an average guy wanting a woman who is basically out of his league is unremarkable. For whatever reason, my desire for a partner who is  basically my equal means I’m being unreasonably demanding.

It’s hard to state this without sounding insufferable, but fuck it: If I want a smart, good-looking and accomplished guy, it’s entirely reasonable of me. Settling for any old schmo is not.

The Beatles – “Nowhere Man”

Someone had to say it

August 25, 2009

I wrote this ad out of frustration with all the lame idiots cluttering up the M4W section and to hopefully amuse any actual women who might have been perusing it. One sent me an e-mail, that was all, “word!” So it wasn’t a total waste of time.

I’ll reproduce it below in case it gets taken down for some reason:

CL ad

No good men?

August 5, 2009

Sometimes I’m asked what my ‘type’ is. I don’t have a good, pat answer. When I review my past boyfriends, etc., there’s not a lot of commonalities to point to. They were a multi-ethnic bunch, had different builds, careers, interests, etc. My taste in men is idiosyncratic.

I have some general preferences. In terms of looks, I like a good forehead, muscular forearms, strong hands, a boyish smile. Height, weight, hair/eye color, don’t matter to me (though I tend to go for brunettes). Generally, I don’t find skinniness attractive, nor androgyny. I usually prefer my dudes to have meat on their bones, to be stocky and kinda hairy and definitely butch. But I’ve dated all kinds and don’t automatically rule out someone based on some arbitrary little thing.

So I don’t have a type, but sometimes I get a craving for conventionally unattractive men, unattractive in a particular, blue-collar, third-generation kind of way, thick men with brassy voices, beer guts and fur crawling down their arms to mat the backs of their hands. I find Alec Baldwin to be more attractive now that he’s packed on a few. I have had a crush on John Belushi. I would fuck Jack Black.

Yeah, it’s kind of a weird fetish. I guess it’s just my version of wanting to dominate an alpha male.

I haven’t really acted on this impulse because such guys in real life tend to be off-putting in how they approach women. I remember standing on a train platform once and having a guy sidle up to me and ask, staring hard, “Yo, can I get yer numbah?” Just like that. I strongly considered pretending I don’t speak English, but decided to lie in the most transparent way possible instead, “Oh sorry, I have a, um, boyfriend. Yeah, a boyfriend. I’m in a relationship.”

Why did I do this?

One of my friends even bought a fake diamond ring that she’ll switch to the appropriate finger when she wants to be left alone.

Why do women feel the need to reject men gently? To give them excuses? It’s not you, it’s me/my boyfriend/my problem. You know it’s a fucked up world when mass media and corporations collude in order to tear down female egos, while we women feel obligated to preserve male egos, e.g. that classic lie, “size doesn’t matter.”

I’m rambling a little. I wrote the first half of this post weeks ago. I’m finishing this up after having read about that maniac who shot up a gym last night. The excerpts from his blog are deeply disturbing for their misogyny and racism, obsession with power and control, his obvious mental instability, and yet…and yet this guy’s complaints about being unable to find a girlfriend or get laid sound SO familiar.

He talked about women as being crucial to men’s self-confidence, but called us “hoes” too. He objectified pretty young women, describing them “edible” and “not…human” in the same sentence. For this guy, “desirable women” were things that existed for the benefit of men–to provide companionship and sex and self-actualization for men. They were not human beings with their own dreams, desires, and needs.

Sodini’s rantings remind me of those guys who pay you compliments in the street, but get angry if you ignore them or don’t respond with a smile and a “thank you, kind sir. What say you and me go make out?” I hate when this happens because it reminds me of how stacked the deck is against women (everything is lose-lose) and that tends to fuck with my mood. So I tense up slightly if I’m about to pass a guy with a working-class air about him (sorry for the blatant generalizations, but I’ve never had a yuppie-type hiss at me from a car window or try to touch me on the bus).

And I sometimes get the Sodini vibe from submissive men too. I wonder if they can clearly see me as me, and not just a dominatrix fantasy figure, someone who will fulfill their needs and desires, but is ultimately interchangeable with any other Domme.  This nagging doubt probably exacerbated what was wrong about the last relationship and has made me kind of hesitant about dating again.

So yeah, I have this fear of being used. But again and again, I end up with guys who do precisely that, which has ended up making me feel conflicted about my dominance. Like, it’s how I express myself sexually, but I don’t want to be someone’s fetish doll. I guess it’s sort of like my general dismay over the Asian fetish. Like everyone, I want to be desired and liked and loved for being me, and not fetishized for things that are just aspects of me.

I know I need to get over it. But how?

“No Good Man” – Billie Holiday.