Archive for the 'feminism' Category

Anti-feminist bingo

February 5, 2010

This is just too fucking brilliant. I comment regularly on a few blogs and come across this kind of shit constantly, even on the ultra-lefty, feminist and anti-racist websites. Sometimes the ignorant comments come from trolls. Sometimes they come from well-meaning-but-clueless types (which includes men and women).

How to be a sexist asshole online

If you find yourself saying something that resembles any of the above comments, then you’re probably being sexist (and it doesn’t matter what your intentions were–what you actually say is all that matters in this game). If you find yourself confronted with a sexist fuckface, you’ll find they will likely use three or more of the above ‘arguments’. Wring a drop of fun out of their ignorance and fuckwittery by filling in the card. Let them know that they’re helping you get closer to winning* with every stupid comment.

* What do you win? A well-earned sense of superiority.

Contempt

October 11, 2009

“The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.” Lester Bangs.

That disaster I met in August (who will henceforth be known as ‘Jug Ears’ because I’m an asshole) remarked off-handedly that sometimes I seem to be contemptuous of submissives. I told him it was a bad time to ask me what I think of them in general, given recent events, and we moved on.

But I’ve been thinking on and off about it. I wonder sometimes whether I do feel contempt for submissives, whether part of me looks down on them (and not in the fun, sexy way). I definitely admire the ability to endure physical and mental discomfort or torment. But there are other flavors of submission, particularly the humiliation-oriented stuff, that actively seem to invite the disdain of the dominant. I’m less certain where I stand regarding this kind of submission.

I recently came across a profile of a really, really handsome switch. Dark, well-built, slightly rugged but in an uptown, Rhett Butler-esque way. Perfect, wolfish jaw and teasing smile. Exactly the kind of masculine beauty I enjoy. I sent him a semi-flirty message complimenting him on the pictures and thought that was that.

He wrote back, though, mentioning that he likes cross dressing, specifically in women’s underwear. Wearing silky panties turns him on. He even included a pretty effed-up looking picture of his face superimposed onto a woman’s body.

Of course.

After that, he sent me a little story he wrote starring himself with me  (or a character he called by my screen name) playing a supporting role…literally. I was drawing him bubble baths and helping him put on makeup and fucking his ass with a strap-on and making him feel all pretty and feminine and desired. What the fuck? What kind of (non-pro) dominant would be interested in providing this level of service?

Being inexperienced with this kink, I don’t think I have a right to make any definitive statement about forced feminization or sissification. Is it demeaning to women? Or just an expression of some men’s deep admiration for women? Are sissies just frustrated trans girls who happen to enjoy D/s? Are they men who like being feminized? Or men who like being emasculated? Both? Neither?

Yeah, lots of questions. And I’ve never been with or known a sissy or anyone who was into gender-fucking. Jug Ears was bisexual (and kinda gross about it…checking out men right in front of me. Unacceptable.) and had a slightly femme quality, but that was it. Every other guy I’ve been with, vanilla and kinky, have been total dudes. I made the former boy put on a pair of my underwear once (plain bikini style…I have pretty boring underwear) and he hated it. He felt silly and, while it amused me, it wasn’t at all a turn-on.

I can enjoy and admire femme energy, femininity. But it doesn’t get me wet like the spiky, bristled, hard, roughness of the masculine. I’ve never been attracted to androgynous pretty boys. I like men who look like men, even if that means they’re a wee bit ugly.

There’s also something more…interesting about seeing a butch person brought to his knees. I just have no desire to dominate someone I perceive as soft or dainty, maybe because I’m not sexually drawn to soft and dainty. (Or maybe because it doesn’t seem to be as much of a challenge?) And I’d never be hot for a man wearing lipstick and lingerie, flitting about pretending to be a girl either. Like a lot of kinks I don’t understand or am into myself, it seems more ludicrous than sexy.

I’d like to think that I only feel contempt for contemptible people, whatever their orientation or identity is. But now that I’ve thought about it, I’m not entirely sure that’s the case. It’s hard for me to understand how you could dress your husband or boyfriend or lover in lingerie, or put him in a diaper and stick a pacifier in his mouth and not feel some amount of contempt for him. I mean, at a certain level, isn’t that what he’s seeking? To excite scorn and perhaps even disgust? And isn’t contempt the kiss of death for relationships?

I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t finished sorting through my feelings about this. I’m getting involved with someone who’s very into being humiliated and degraded, which is very new for me. My previous sub emphatically did not like verbal abuse and had to be constantly reassured that I liked and was attracted to him. This potential sub claims to have a thick skin, but I still feel like I’m entering what could be hazardous terrain. I already have an acerbic personality and my (socialized) inclination is to minimize the bile I spew. I don’t really know what will happen with a sub who seems to welcome it.

My initial instinct is caution, as I’m not sure how thick his skin really is, nor am I certain how I’ll react. Perhaps engaging in this variety of kink will affect my feelings about this submissive. Perhaps it won’t. We’ll see.

Why are they so annoying?

September 10, 2009

The guys who contact me through my profile on CM are so damned inquisitive. They are constantly asking questions. Why’s your picture like that? Why do you have the other picture up? Why don’t you like libertarian politics? Why didn’t you answer my message? Why didn’t you answer my second message? What’s your Yahoo ID? Can we talk on the phone? Tell me. Give me. Feed me. Want me. Me. Me. Me.

Even thinking about it makes me feel a little suffocated. If there’s one thing a sub likes to do, it’s to be all up in your shit constantly (well, if you let them). The former boy was like that. He sent me dozens of e-mails per day, some just to ask how I was, or to tell me what he was doing, or just to say, ‘hi’. If I only sent back one or two responses, then he’d get all freaked out and send even more, leave texts, call me, etc.  Once, I mentioned to him that I’ll probably only be in the area for a couple more years at the most and could end up pretty much anywhere after that. His response? Hopefully suggesting that we’d still talk on the phone or exchange e-mails everyday for like, forever, I guess.

Sigh.

But the guys who really irritate me are pushy types who want to know my real name, city, and profession right away. I had one guy ask me what I do for work and then get pissy when I wouldn’t tell him. He called me “flaky”, which a) doesn’t make sense and b) is rude. Exchanging a few casual messages on a website doesn’t give you any sort of claim to that kind of information, fellas. If I want to share those details, I’ll do so of my own accord, not just because you asked.

Goes to show how even those who seek the control and authority of a domme still operate with a typical male sense of entitlement over women.

I guess it never occurs to men that there might be perfectly legitimate and sensible reasons why a woman would choose not to reveal information that just might make her vulnerable to stalking or harassment. I don’t live in a particularly large city and there are certain details about myself that would make it pretty easy for a determined person to figure out exactly who I am. I’m also at the very start of a career in a somewhat conservative profession. So I’m certainly not interested in floating more personal information out there on a fucking BDSM website than strictly necessary.

Not to mention the fact that, oh hey, I like doing things my way and hate being controlled, manipulated or pressured. But of course, since I’m female, if I don’t yield to some random man’s wants or expectations, then I’m the problem: stand-offish, bitchy, cold, rude, rough etc. Well fuck me, but did you expect someone with a dominant personality to be a damned bunny rabbit?

So I consider it a red flag now when a guy presses continually for personal details, or to talk on the phone or  to meet in person. Besides being utterly annoying, that person is highly unlikely to have my needs or desires uppermost in his mind.