Archive for the 'dominance' Category


October 11, 2009

“The ultimate sin of any performer is contempt for the audience.” Lester Bangs.

That disaster I met in August (who will henceforth be known as ‘Jug Ears’ because I’m an asshole) remarked off-handedly that sometimes I seem to be contemptuous of submissives. I told him it was a bad time to ask me what I think of them in general, given recent events, and we moved on.

But I’ve been thinking on and off about it. I wonder sometimes whether I do feel contempt for submissives, whether part of me looks down on them (and not in the fun, sexy way). I definitely admire the ability to endure physical and mental discomfort or torment. But there are other flavors of submission, particularly the humiliation-oriented stuff, that actively seem to invite the disdain of the dominant. I’m less certain where I stand regarding this kind of submission.

I recently came across a profile of a really, really handsome switch. Dark, well-built, slightly rugged but in an uptown, Rhett Butler-esque way. Perfect, wolfish jaw and teasing smile. Exactly the kind of masculine beauty I enjoy. I sent him a semi-flirty message complimenting him on the pictures and thought that was that.

He wrote back, though, mentioning that he likes cross dressing, specifically in women’s underwear. Wearing silky panties turns him on. He even included a pretty effed-up looking picture of his face superimposed onto a woman’s body.

Of course.

After that, he sent me a little story he wrote starring himself with me  (or a character he called by my screen name) playing a supporting role…literally. I was drawing him bubble baths and helping him put on makeup and fucking his ass with a strap-on and making him feel all pretty and feminine and desired. What the fuck? What kind of (non-pro) dominant would be interested in providing this level of service?

Being inexperienced with this kink, I don’t think I have a right to make any definitive statement about forced feminization or sissification. Is it demeaning to women? Or just an expression of some men’s deep admiration for women? Are sissies just frustrated trans girls who happen to enjoy D/s? Are they men who like being feminized? Or men who like being emasculated? Both? Neither?

Yeah, lots of questions. And I’ve never been with or known a sissy or anyone who was into gender-fucking. Jug Ears was bisexual (and kinda gross about it…checking out men right in front of me. Unacceptable.) and had a slightly femme quality, but that was it. Every other guy I’ve been with, vanilla and kinky, have been total dudes. I made the former boy put on a pair of my underwear once (plain bikini style…I have pretty boring underwear) and he hated it. He felt silly and, while it amused me, it wasn’t at all a turn-on.

I can enjoy and admire femme energy, femininity. But it doesn’t get me wet like the spiky, bristled, hard, roughness of the masculine. I’ve never been attracted to androgynous pretty boys. I like men who look like men, even if that means they’re a wee bit ugly.

There’s also something more…interesting about seeing a butch person brought to his knees. I just have no desire to dominate someone I perceive as soft or dainty, maybe because I’m not sexually drawn to soft and dainty. (Or maybe because it doesn’t seem to be as much of a challenge?) And I’d never be hot for a man wearing lipstick and lingerie, flitting about pretending to be a girl either. Like a lot of kinks I don’t understand or am into myself, it seems more ludicrous than sexy.

I’d like to think that I only feel contempt for contemptible people, whatever their orientation or identity is. But now that I’ve thought about it, I’m not entirely sure that’s the case. It’s hard for me to understand how you could dress your husband or boyfriend or lover in lingerie, or put him in a diaper and stick a pacifier in his mouth and not feel some amount of contempt for him. I mean, at a certain level, isn’t that what he’s seeking? To excite scorn and perhaps even disgust? And isn’t contempt the kiss of death for relationships?

I don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t finished sorting through my feelings about this. I’m getting involved with someone who’s very into being humiliated and degraded, which is very new for me. My previous sub emphatically did not like verbal abuse and had to be constantly reassured that I liked and was attracted to him. This potential sub claims to have a thick skin, but I still feel like I’m entering what could be hazardous terrain. I already have an acerbic personality and my (socialized) inclination is to minimize the bile I spew. I don’t really know what will happen with a sub who seems to welcome it.

My initial instinct is caution, as I’m not sure how thick his skin really is, nor am I certain how I’ll react. Perhaps engaging in this variety of kink will affect my feelings about this submissive. Perhaps it won’t. We’ll see.

Fresh meat

September 22, 2009

I’ve never really been into ‘love-making.’ You know. That tender, kissy, caressing act lit by scented candles and set to tasteful jazz music.


Sex is always more exciting for me when it has a raw, animalistic quality. I like noise, sweat, struggle and exhaustion. I like urgent, wild coupling that almost looks like a fight. I like to use my boy like a piece of meat, to tear and ravage him. I like feeling his helplessness, his lack of resistance against me.

But being tossed around or manhandled has never worked for me. It makes me cranky rather than hot and bothered. Similarly, I definitely prefer being the seducer. I just love making a man weak in the knees. There’s almost nothing I like better than having my way with a sweet, boy-next-door type. There’s just something about truly submissive men…a kind of bashful eagerness that I find irresistible. Especially when they’ve got that cherubic, clean-cut thing going on—it’s so perverse, but it makes me want to…violate them.

Recently, I had a coffee date with a potential boy who fulfills 1-5 of my checklist. He is also really, really wholesome-looking. Total lamb. My predatory instincts were definitely aroused. Toward the end of the date, I was imagining him gagged and bound. I wanted to slap his cute little face. I wanted to hear him beg. I wanted to see him crawl.

I couldn’t help it; I began to stare at him more intensely. I think he could tell what was going through my mind. He started blushing a little.

Hm. I think this could work. We’ll see if he gets all the way to #7. I’m sharpening my claws in anticipation.

My checklist

September 6, 2009

I’ve been running through this one a lot lately. Yeah, it’s sort of a Marie Claire kind of thing, but screw it, I like lists. So far, the majority don’t make it past #2 or 3, quite a few don’t make it  past #4 or 5, and no one has made it past #7.

  1. Available in every sense of the word? (i.e. single, healthy, whole, lives nearby-ish)
  2. Attractive? Can I imagine myself kissing him? Fucking him?
  3. Educated? Gainfully employed? Leads a full and interesting life?
  4. Fun and easy to talk to? Is there chemistry? Good rapport?
  5. Fundamentally decent and honest? Kind? Well-mannered? Does he make my Spidey sense tingle?
  6. Nice package? (I’m not a size queen, but I’m not interested in below-average either).
  7. Good in bed? Knows what he’s doing? Attentive and considerate?
  8. Behaves normally afterward (rather than, say, running away, weeping, or turning into a jerk)?

‘Kinky’ or ‘submissive’ aren’t on the list because I’m not dating vanilla at the moment. That might change if Kinksville doesn’t yield any prospects soon-ish or I happen to meet the perfect vanilla guy.

Right now, I’ll say that my biggest problem with kink-oriented dating is that the carnal seems to be top priority for most kinky guys. Not that it isn’t for men in general, but kinky guys seem to think that being kinky gives them carte blanche to sexualize everything. It affects how they talk to me, how they treat me, etc. I can practically see ‘S-E-X’ blinking in neon lights over their fool heads.

This sort of behavior is obnoxious for the following reasons (see, I really do love lists): First, it’s not gentlemanly to make assumptions. Most people, kinky and non-, seem to think that kinky = easy. Second, I don’t like being objectified. Third, I prefer to be the aggressor. I hate fending off slavering males. I lose respect for someone who can’t control himself enough to behave like a civilized person.

Unfortunately (and perhaps obviously), sub men tend to lack self-control. This makes a lot of them behave like jackasses and this, in turn, makes me question my interest in submissives altogether. However, I’ve only been in things  for a short while so I’m not too dispirited at the moment.

But I am starting to think that I may have to revise The List. Apparently, single, sane, smart, healthy and good-looking men who aren’t solely interested in a quick fuck are basically unicorns. I think I might’ve spotted one years ago, but he ran off with a virgin.