Archive for the 'dating' Category

It’s probably me

February 2, 2010

I just skipped over to the former boy’s blog out of curiosity. Almost immediately, I found out he’s moving in with his domme–the one he hooked up with shortly after our thing ended. It’s been about six months.

So he’s moving in with her and thrilled about it, it seems. I still remember standing on that train platform and hearing him bluster about not wanting a relationship, how shocked and sad I felt. And all those times I heard him go on and on and on about how he’s still so devastated from his divorce (which was years ago) that he couldn’t ever let himself get serious about anyone, that he was “broken.”

Bullshit.

He just couldn’t get serious about me. It’s miraculous how his heart healed so soon after we ended.  It took him zero days to get over me because he never gave a shit about me. Not really. He cared about the domme, not the woman. He’s said otherwise, but if he were being honest, I think he’d acknowledge that I was just a convenience for him. A domination-dispensing machine. A nothing. Definitely not even a real ‘friend’.

I’m now thinking that the blusher will probably be at least engaged to this new woman by the end of this year.

That’s what I do. I find men and fix them up for other women. I should start charging for this service.

I can’t believe I keep getting involved with men who have no intention of getting serious with me, who don’t really care about me except as a means towards their own gratification. I’m sure if you asked either of them, the problem was me, just me. Something wrong with me.

And that’s just in the past year, in kinkworld. I haven’t even mentioned the vanilla guy I was involved with prior to meeting the former boy. He was similarly conflicted about our whatever-it-was. He didn’t mind screwing me, but couldn’t bring himself to ask me on a proper date. He began dating someone seriously not long after our whatever-it-was ended.

Not good enough. Nothing. Nobody.

Clearly I should just resign myself to my fate. I’m just a stepping stone, a rest stop, something to play around with until someone better shows up–someone real and worthy. I’m not worthy of love or affection. Hell, even decency and kindness are too good for me. I’m just a domme, just some girl, just a fling, a thing–replaceable, inherently worthless.

Use me, throw me away. It’s fine, boys. I’m used to it. I shouldn’t expect anything better anyhow.

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It’s not you, it’s me…or is it really you?

February 1, 2010

OK, I couldn’t help myself. Through the magic of google (and the fact that people tend to use the same 1-3 screennames everywhere), I found that the blusher had at least five active profiles on at least five different sites. I don’t know when he created three of the profiles, so they could’ve been set up before he met me.

I don’t know why I wasted the fifteen minutes to do this. I guess I wanted to find more evidence that he’s been two-timing me from the beginning. Why? Well, to demonstrate to myself that he fucked up, not me.

Last week, he accused me of not reciprocating enough, not being interested in taking more control over him. I was trying, but I was taking baby steps. I did take care to respond to his calls, messages, etc.  after he complained about me not doing so in the past. Taking more control requires more time and energy–two things I’m short on these days. But it was building up until this past month. I was unable, due to work and stress, to ‘supervise’ him long distance in a more intense way.

But it’s not like I was ever ignoring him or his needs. We had play sessions whenever he came over, though he’s not a pain slut, so I was taking it slow on the S&M side. I began using him more as a houseboy: laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. There was also some light bondage, lots of objectification and humiliation (over the phone as well), and some fetish play too. And I was also having him, a newbie to this, undergo training in preparation for strap-on play.

I’ll admit things were still not as intense as I would’ve liked on the D/s front, but I was still trying to work through some trust issues. In particular, I’m still getting over the fear that I’m just an instrument of someone else’s pleasure and fulfillment. I mean, I know that’s what I am during play, that’s my role as a good and giving partner, but I need to know the sub really cares about me as a person in order to not feel used. I don’t know why, but I derive more pleasure from dominating someone when it comes out of my whims and desires. It doesn’t feel right when it seems like the sub is trying to elicit or manipulate domination from me. So I was holding back on the heavy-duty D/s play until I felt more comfortable with him, until I could trust him fully.

But trust takes time to establish. We started communicating back in the early Fall, and met mid-September.  We had maybe six or seven dates over the next couple of months. Then he went away for the entire month of December. We’d talked on the phone a number of times, and e-mailed regularly, but to me, it still felt like we had only just started. I don’t know–I guess I didn’t really count December. He clearly is a lot more into virtual communication than I am and probably felt like we’d known each other for a long time. In fact, when I asked, he guessed we’d been dating for well over six months! It was more like four. It still felt new to me. I still haven’t been to his house, don’t know the name of his firm, and have never met any of his friends or family–I’m not even sure if he told anyone he was seeing me.

I think he thought I was being unreasonable by wanting more time.

Months ago, I did tell him why I was going to be wary and would want to take things slowly. I thought he would understand, since he was also semi-fresh out of an intense relationship. I didn’t want to dive right in, emotionally (and domination is an emotional thing for me) until I was sure it would be safe. Now, I think my wariness might have saved me some heartache this time, but it’s hard not to also feel that I might have just sabotaged what seemed like a promising relationship by holding back.

Is it my fault it ended? Given his last e-mail to me, he seems to think so. Or maybe my subconscious was trying to warn me all along not to get too involved with a creep? Or maybe that’s just me rationalizing messed-up thinking? Maybe we’d still be together if I had done things differently. Or maybe he would’ve still jumped ship when a better prospect showed up?

I called and set up an appointment to speak to someone tomorrow. I’m glad I seem to have figured out what’s wrong with me, but the knowledge has also made me question my judgment. Was the blusher just a jerk all along? Or did our problems really stem from me?

The unsatisfactory end to an unsatisfying affair

January 30, 2010

At least I got the last word. He’s been too chicken to respond. I don’t think I was that mean.

[Redacted]…You weren’t planning on calling me ever, were you? Or responding to my e-mail?

I found your newest profile, kid. It was surprisingly easy, especially since you were silly enough to use a real photograph of yourself. Now I’m wondering how many profiles you’ve had up, there and elsewhere, and who else you’ve been talking to or meeting with since we got together. It seems clear there’s been at least one.

Now I’m wondering whether those times you couldn’t make it at the last minute–your sister’s collapse, the illnesses, etc. were just more lies. Were you just out scouting for another domme and needed an excuse to break our dates?

That’s what happens when you’re deceived–you doubt everything you’ve been told.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s dishonesty.

But even if the stories weren’t lies….somehow it was acceptable for your life to get in the way of our time together, but not mine. I was very understanding about all the times you couldn’t see me because other things got in the way. You have not reciprocated this understanding. Instead, you’ve accused me of not knowing what I want.

Well, I don’t think you know what you want. You obviously like kinky women, but I don’t think you can tolerate the other stuff that comes with being with a dominant. It seems that you still want to be in charge of the relationship. Not even equal. [Redacted], if you want a kinky woman who will cater to your submissive desires, then you should look for service tops or pro-dommes and leave the natural dominants alone.

Just because I don’t want to dominate my partner all the time doesn’t mean I’m confused about my orientation or identity. I know who and what I am. I am dominant and I am kinky, but I’m more than just a domme. I need a partner who understands that, someone who is more than just a sub himself. I think your behavior reveals that you’re not a man who likes being treated like a boy sometimes…you’re just a boy.

I’m sorry you turned out to be this way. I’d already had a bad feeling about subs before meeting you. This has just confirmed my suspicions.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t beat the living fuck out of you when I had the chance.

I’m not terribly upset, though I’m a little hurt that he didn’t even bother telling me it was over explicitly. I guess I never mattered much to him in the first place. And I’m definitely annoyed that I wasted the past few months on someone who turned out to be so worthless. I thought there was potential there, but I guess I was wrong.

Hot Hot Heat – “Shame On You”