It’s not you, it’s me…or is it really you?

February 1, 2010

OK, I couldn’t help myself. Through the magic of google (and the fact that people tend to use the same 1-3 screennames everywhere), I found that the blusher had at least five active profiles on at least five different sites. I don’t know when he created three of the profiles, so they could’ve been set up before he met me.

I don’t know why I wasted the fifteen minutes to do this. I guess I wanted to find more evidence that he’s been two-timing me from the beginning. Why? Well, to demonstrate to myself that he fucked up, not me.

Last week, he accused me of not reciprocating enough, not being interested in taking more control over him. I was trying, but I was taking baby steps. I did take care to respond to his calls, messages, etc.  after he complained about me not doing so in the past. Taking more control requires more time and energy–two things I’m short on these days. But it was building up until this past month. I was unable, due to work and stress, to ‘supervise’ him long distance in a more intense way.

But it’s not like I was ever ignoring him or his needs. We had play sessions whenever he came over, though he’s not a pain slut, so I was taking it slow on the S&M side. I began using him more as a houseboy: laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. There was also some light bondage, lots of objectification and humiliation (over the phone as well), and some fetish play too. And I was also having him, a newbie to this, undergo training in preparation for strap-on play.

I’ll admit things were still not as intense as I would’ve liked on the D/s front, but I was still trying to work through some trust issues. In particular, I’m still getting over the fear that I’m just an instrument of someone else’s pleasure and fulfillment. I mean, I know that’s what I am during play, that’s my role as a good and giving partner, but I need to know the sub really cares about me as a person in order to not feel used. I don’t know why, but I derive more pleasure from dominating someone when it comes out of my whims and desires. It doesn’t feel right when it seems like the sub is trying to elicit or manipulate domination from me. So I was holding back on the heavy-duty D/s play until I felt more comfortable with him, until I could trust him fully.

But trust takes time to establish. We started communicating back in the early Fall, and met mid-September.  We had maybe six or seven dates over the next couple of months. Then he went away for the entire month of December. We’d talked on the phone a number of times, and e-mailed regularly, but to me, it still felt like we had only just started. I don’t know–I guess I didn’t really count December. He clearly is a lot more into virtual communication than I am and probably felt like we’d known each other for a long time. In fact, when I asked, he guessed we’d been dating for well over six months! It was more like four. It still felt new to me. I still haven’t been to his house, don’t know the name of his firm, and have never met any of his friends or family–I’m not even sure if he told anyone he was seeing me.

I think he thought I was being unreasonable by wanting more time.

Months ago, I did tell him why I was going to be wary and would want to take things slowly. I thought he would understand, since he was also semi-fresh out of an intense relationship. I didn’t want to dive right in, emotionally (and domination is an emotional thing for me) until I was sure it would be safe. Now, I think my wariness might have saved me some heartache this time, but it’s hard not to also feel that I might have just sabotaged what seemed like a promising relationship by holding back.

Is it my fault it ended? Given his last e-mail to me, he seems to think so. Or maybe my subconscious was trying to warn me all along not to get too involved with a creep? Or maybe that’s just me rationalizing messed-up thinking? Maybe we’d still be together if I had done things differently. Or maybe he would’ve still jumped ship when a better prospect showed up?

I called and set up an appointment to speak to someone tomorrow. I’m glad I seem to have figured out what’s wrong with me, but the knowledge has also made me question my judgment. Was the blusher just a jerk all along? Or did our problems really stem from me?

3 Responses to “It’s not you, it’s me…or is it really you?”

  1. W Says:

    Dear S&L,


    I write that because it seems the moment he started complaining about you not returning his calls, emails etc, it should have been a sign he was trying to top from the bottom. You explained that you were “gun-shy” and wanted to move slowly, and he must have said, “That’s ok.” But if a D/s relationship is going to develop, wouldn’t it makes sense that it would develop mostly the way (and on the schedule) that the “D” wants?

    Unfortunately there seems to be a certain type of lowlife that senses crises of confidence like sharks smell blood. If he knew you wanted to take the time to develop things, then it doesn’t seem like he had much right to complain that things weren’t moving along according to a schedule he was keeping in mind. He should have seen a professional if he wanted A, B and C after this or that many weeks/months.

    If it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right. You shouldn’t feel that its wrong to feel something’s wrong. And if the other person isn’t making the effort to try to work on those issues to your liking, then it stands to reason that you should tell them it isn’t working out (as in *they* aren’t working out.)


  2. I go back and forth about this. I clearly wasn’t meeting his needs, but should he have just suppressed his natural male inclination to demand more from me? Or was he in the right to express concern that he wasn’t being fulfilled?

    I’ve concluded that he never cared much about me as a person, otherwise he would’ve been more concerned about how stressed I was this past month and he never would’ve abruptly stopped communication. I was just a domme to him, and I wasn’t fulfilling my domme-ly duties, so he got rid of me and found someone else who would.

    I guess that’s what’s making me shy away from getting involved with sub men again. I don’t want to be considered first and foremost in terms of my orientation and sexuality, which a lot of the sub men I’ve met seem to do. I’m kinky and dominant and sadistic, but that’s just a part of the whole picture of me. I don’t walk around all domme-ly all day–it’s just what emerges from interacting with a submissive.

    I’m disappointed because he represented the first really appropriate guy I’ve dated in a loooong time. Meaning, he was attractive, available, stable, a good match in terms of background, values, goals, etc. and he wanted a serious, LTR with D/s and kink involved. I felt like, by dating him, I was finally acting like an adult in terms of my choices. So it’s disappointing that it blew up so quickly.

  3. W Says:

    Dear S&L,

    From the way he was represented on the blog, the last paragraph of your reply seems questionable, a case of a guy “telling a woman what she wants to hear.”

    Maybe he did want what you wanted, but it looks like him wanting a serious LTR with D/s seems suspect. Hard to see how he looked like anything but a “do-me” type of sub.

    He expressed his concerns that he wasn’t being fulfilled, but how did he go about doing it? and did he care about how his concerns matched up with yours? or how his needs matched up with the realities of what was going on in your life at the time?

    Its hard to feel like dating is anything other than a big pile of suck, whether kinky or vanilla. We can only hope that all the effort weeding though the crud pays off in finding someone who values you for you.

    I’ll just end with the thought, maybe you should tell yourself its ok to be really selfish with the next guy.

    Wishing you well.


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