Annual day of whatever

December 17, 2009

Things have been very busy these past few months, which is why I haven’t been adding new posts. Some interesting things have happened on the kink front, but I haven’t quite processed it all yet. At this point, though, I’m starting to think that I will never find a trustworthy and goodhearted guy, kinky or not. And I am growing ever more cynical about kinky men in general. Submissives seem to me to be deeply selfish and self-centered bullshit artists, weak, unreliable and unworthy of emotional investment. So I am not feeling very interested in submissive men in general these days. I don’t want to be involved with flimsy people, emotional cowards.

It’s my birthday. I’m used to having mine overlooked given the time of year it is. In general, I don’t really like birthdays. They seem forced. People you haven’t spoken to for awhile suddenly contact you out of the blue just to wish you a nice day. And birthdays make you feel worse if things aren’t going well.  A birthday is a good day to feel lonelier than usual, or more dissatisfied with how things are going. If you aren’t doing anything special on your birthday, then it’s like you’ve failed. But if you’re sitting at home updating your fucking blog on a normal, non-birthday day? No big deal.

I’m a year older. I feel like I’m still waiting for my life to begin.

Do you ever fantasize about just leaving? Getting into a car and driving away from your life, your commitments and entanglements? I don’t know where I would go, but the idea of flying down a long highway, no end in sight,  no real destination in mind, is very appealing to me right now.

Just…gone.

It’s funny. I’m surrounded by people. I socialize. But I still feel lonely. And I don’t think that lonely feeling will go away unless I can really be alone.

Or hell, maybe I just want a real relationship for a change, not all this second-hand, second-rate crap I’ve been offered, that I’ve been constructing.

Sorry, I’m rambling. I guess I’m just disappointed with this past year in general. I thought it would be different in a lot of ways, a grand beginning, but it’s been one of the worst in a long time. Growing pains.

I hope this year will be better.  Or at least, not any worse.

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One Response to “Annual day of whatever”

  1. m Says:

    I would say happy birthday, but after reading this, it doesn’t sound so happy after all. The only good thing about being so down is that you can only improve. And speaking for myself and others, not all submissives are so bad! You’ll find someone for you.


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