Just let me go

September 12, 2009

I thought I was doing OK. Then I got an e-mail from the former boy. He wanted to know why (and I realize how lame this is going to sound) I de-friended him on Facebook. He wondered how I was doing.

Every damned time I get any notice that he still exists, I just plunge straight back into sadness and self-loathing. I didn’t want him showing up on my newsfeeds. I didn’t want to hear from him so I stopped e-mailing him altogether. I’ll admit I had a little bit of a breakdown when I read that brief two-line message. I went through the rest of the day in a fog.

I thought I was getting better, but now I feel like I’ve regressed to how I was over the summer.

Man, it is so unfair. I ended it, so why am I still so broken up about it? Why can’t I shake this? And I’m starting to get angry with him for wanting to be in my life at all. He’s still trying to maintain a connection and I just want to forget he exists. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave me alone. It’s like he’s trying to hurt me some more.

I did try the friendship thing at one point, but he just proceeded as though nothing had happened, e-mailing me throughout the workday like he used to. I suspect he just likes having me available as a sounding board, or as a source of amusement or support….or he’s just greedy. He wants to be liked. He seeks approval.

I don’t want to give him anything else. Looking back, I can now see how one-sided our relationship had become. I was feeding him and he was happy and strong from it. I just became sadder and lonelier. Now, if there’s one thing I can take some petty pleasure in, it’s being able to deny him me. He didn’t want me? Well, now he can’t have any of me.

All along, he’s been saying that he cares about me and that’s why he wants to stay in touch. But his breezy little check-in e-mails have never failed to upset me. Reading them, it’s like nothing has happened. Clearly, none of it mattered enough to get him down for long. He‘s moved on, but he still wants his buddy hanging around.

It pisses me off that he actually thinks he cares about my well-being. He knows how I’ve been feeling. He reads this blog. He doesn’t need another friend. He can take his shit to his Mistress or to his actual friends. If he had ever really cared about me, he would have left me alone, let me go.

So I finally told him that I don’t want to see or hear from him again. I don’t want his ‘friendship’. I’m not going to be another one of his ex/friends (of which he has many) and visit or “shoot the shit” with him ever. I have real friends for that. I’m fine with ending things civilly, but there’s no  point in maintaining a relationship of any kind. We don’t live in the same city, share any friends, or have to work together. A friendship would only help him feel better about his life and would prevent me from moving on with mine.

He quickly e-mailed back to say that he’ll think of me “fondly”. (I guess he just can’t stand not having the last word) “Fondly”? Fucking really? As if I’m a favorite niece or something. Guess I was right about the depth of his feelings for me after all. He’s long maintained that I’ve been more than just a  fuckbuddy to him, but honestly, he never acted like it. His remarkably fast recovery from our break-up was just the latest bit of evidence.

I’m going to try not to think about him at all. Fuck him. He’s not worth it. He never was.

I should never have gotten involved with someone who was broken. I guess I thought I could fix him. I wasn’t expecting him to break me instead.

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3 Responses to “Just let me go”

  1. W Says:

    Dear S&L,

    Screen the calls, block the emails, try not to blog about the boy.

    Not every breakup can end with civility. And he is doing what would be natural, trying to stay in contact and convince himself he’s “Not the bad guy.”

    If it ever happens that you and he will have a civil understanding, it’s only gonna happen after you’ve moved on and are in a less raw place.

    -W


  2. You’re right. But I don’t think he’ll bother me anymore. And I’ll try not to blog about him again. I know you guys are probably pretty sick of hearing about him all the time. I’m sick of thinking about him too.

  3. W Says:

    Dear S&L,

    Only sick of reading how worked up someone who’s not in your life anymore is making you feel.

    -W


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