My checklist

September 6, 2009

I’ve been running through this one a lot lately. Yeah, it’s sort of a Marie Claire kind of thing, but screw it, I like lists. So far, the majority don’t make it past #2 or 3, quite a few don’t make it  past #4 or 5, and no one has made it past #7.

  1. Available in every sense of the word? (i.e. single, healthy, whole, lives nearby-ish)
  2. Attractive? Can I imagine myself kissing him? Fucking him?
  3. Educated? Gainfully employed? Leads a full and interesting life?
  4. Fun and easy to talk to? Is there chemistry? Good rapport?
  5. Fundamentally decent and honest? Kind? Well-mannered? Does he make my Spidey sense tingle?
  6. Nice package? (I’m not a size queen, but I’m not interested in below-average either).
  7. Good in bed? Knows what he’s doing? Attentive and considerate?
  8. Behaves normally afterward (rather than, say, running away, weeping, or turning into a jerk)?

‘Kinky’ or ‘submissive’ aren’t on the list because I’m not dating vanilla at the moment. That might change if Kinksville doesn’t yield any prospects soon-ish or I happen to meet the perfect vanilla guy.

Right now, I’ll say that my biggest problem with kink-oriented dating is that the carnal seems to be top priority for most kinky guys. Not that it isn’t for men in general, but kinky guys seem to think that being kinky gives them carte blanche to sexualize everything. It affects how they talk to me, how they treat me, etc. I can practically see ‘S-E-X’ blinking in neon lights over their fool heads.

This sort of behavior is obnoxious for the following reasons (see, I really do love lists): First, it’s not gentlemanly to make assumptions. Most people, kinky and non-, seem to think that kinky = easy. Second, I don’t like being objectified. Third, I prefer to be the aggressor. I hate fending off slavering males. I lose respect for someone who can’t control himself enough to behave like a civilized person.

Unfortunately (and perhaps obviously), sub men tend to lack self-control. This makes a lot of them behave like jackasses and this, in turn, makes me question my interest in submissives altogether. However, I’ve only been in things  for a short while so I’m not too dispirited at the moment.

But I am starting to think that I may have to revise The List. Apparently, single, sane, smart, healthy and good-looking men who aren’t solely interested in a quick fuck are basically unicorns. I think I might’ve spotted one years ago, but he ran off with a virgin.


9 Responses to “My checklist”

  1. Devotee Says:


    I think you may be going in the wrong direction here. Please forget the checklist. Get it out of your mind. Checklists are for groceries, not people. Do not get me wrong, we all would like certain attributes in a person, but I also believe we will all fall short on someone’s list. And the longer the list, the more likely the other will be deficient in some manner and I guarantee you will tend to think more about what is lacking and not what is in front of you. It doesn’t seem like a healthy way to find satisfaction. Just my two cents.


  2. I get what you’re saying, but I completely disagree with your assessment that I “may be going in the wrong direction”. Everyone has a checklist like this in their heads, though perhaps it’s not as well-articulated. I don’t think mine is wildly unreasonable, either. Notice that I don’t look for a specific race/ethnicity or body type, line of work, religion, or income bracket–my list is actually a lot looser than most folks’.

    I want to be with a good, all-grown-up man, whom I’m attracted to, and who doesn’t live so far away that a normal relationship isn’t possible. SHOULD I lower even these very basic standards and go out with someone who is bad, directionless, unattractive or immature? Been there, done that, not interested in doing it again.

  3. Devotee Says:

    Well, if by “everyone has a checklist” you mean everyone has instincts, then yes, I would agree, but not everyone has some mental checklist they wander around with sizing people up for possible courtship, maybe everyone in NYC, not sure 😉 My dad always told me, “You never know who you are going to fall in love with,” and that has always seemed to be true for me. I can’t debate you on what you want to do or how you are feeling.

  4. No you can’t, but you tried to tell me I was wrong in your original comment, which was annoying. I only brought up ‘everyone’ because you were criticizing me for doing what I believe is a very normal thing.

    Anyway, I honestly don’t believe in anything like love at first sight. There’s this idea that falling in love is an uncontrollable thing, (hence, ‘falling’) but I think, oftentimes, there’s more will involved.

  5. Devotee Says:

    I didn’t say for sure you were wrong…I said I thought you were wrong, as in, it was just my opinion. And yes, for you this checklist thing maybe normal behavior, what I was saying was that it is not normal for everyone. And clearly this approach has not gotten you anywhere. As for love at first sight, I’ll always believe in that. All of the women I have ever loved, which is not many, I have known from basically the moment we met that we would share something special.

  6. Actually, “this behavior” (you make it sound almost aberrant) is just an exercise of common sense, which I have not followed in the past. I’ve actually been too prone to go in the opposite direction and just let my feelings take me where they would. This is a big reason why I got involved with the boy that I spent the past number of weeks grumbling about. He was wrong for me in many, many ways, and if I’d listened to reason (i.e. he’s not compatible, he’s not available, etc.) rather than my hormones, it wouldn’t have turned into something so messy and painful.

  7. Devotee Says:

    I didn’t mean for it to sound aberrant…I know aberrant and that it is not…some of my behavior could be considered as such though, but this is really beside the point. Just remember that instinct is not your hormones…it should ideally protect you from them and also hopefully from over analysis.

  8. E Says:

    For what it’s worth, I think a checklist is quite sensible.

    The extra handy thing about a checklist is that it allows you to do the casual sex thing in a healthier way. If someone fails the checklist test but is still super fuckable on a primal level, you’ll know going in that it’s just for funsies. Keeps all your boys filed appropriately!

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