September 1, 2009

I’ve never associated the beginning of the year with January. It’s always been September for me—the end of the slow, hot days of summer, the beginning of school. New clothes, new pencils, new faces. Decisions to make, choices to regret.

Fall is my favorite season, even though it makes me melancholic. (Exactly this: ‘melancholic’—not sad, wistful nor nostalgic, but all three). The vague smokiness, the cool bite to the air even on a sunny day….September always seems to promise change of some kind. It’s an unsettling time of year.

I figured out I was kinky last Fall. I met the-boy-formerly-known-as-the-boy last Fall.  I began to rethink myself last Fall.

Last Fall seemed to promise something new, but it turned out to be just another iteration of an old pattern. This Fall, I’m alone, regretful, wrestling with deadlines, older but maybe not wiser.

I want to go back and start over. And I want to move on and forget.

I am hoping for the next act in the play to begin.

Neko Case “Hold On, Hold On”


One Response to “September”

  1. W Says:

    Dear S&L,

    I’ll suggest that you are older, but you *are* wiser, if only for the results of the heartache that you had to go through to reach where you are now.

    Fall brings a return to the time of year when you went through the changes that started you on this path. This path, which is frustrating, and seemingly filled with an endless supply of bitter losers, fakers, and immature people who somehow manage to tear your heart out before you realize it. (How *exactly* is that any different from vanilla dating, again?)

    It’s human nature to try to find patterns, even when there aren’t any. Even if you think it’s just another day of the same thing, you’ve gotta believe that you’re getting one step further towards where you’re supposed to be eventually.

    (If only there was a way set in stone- Do A & B to get to C, but that’s life…)


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