I, Emmet Ray

August 27, 2009

Though I’m not obsessed with besting Django Reinhardt.

OK, this is depressing. I just figured out that I’m mad at the-boy-formerly-known-as-the-boy for finding a Domme so soon after I ended things. Because he never gave me the chance to cool down, to ask him for another go.

And now it’s too late.

Have any of you ever actually seen the Woody Allen film I named myself after? One of my favorite scenes comes near the end, after Emmet dumps Hattie and then realizes, painfully, overwhelmingly, that he’s fucked it all up. I remember distinctly the heartbreaking way he bellowed, “I made a mistake! I made a mistake!”

That pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling lately. I think I messed up, and now I’m trying to deal with it.

Someone suggested that I just needed some rebound action, but I don’t think cock or play is the answer. I think I need to figure out why I fall for men who aren’t right for me, and why I torpedo things that seem to have potential.

Maybe I don’t really want to be happy. Maybe deep down, I don’t think I deserve it.

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2 Responses to “I, Emmet Ray”

  1. W Says:

    Dear S&L,

    Does the writing mean you feel like you made a mistake in letting the boy go, or that you feel like you made a mistake in getting involved in the first place?

    -W


  2. Yes. No. Both. Either?

    I guess I just feel like I’m not done with it yet. Maybe that’s a normal feeling.

    It’s a strange position to be in: I ended things, but it still feels like he left me. I miss him. Maybe we should never have been together in the first place, but…I still miss him.


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