What did I learn?

August 10, 2009

It’s been an upsetting couple of weeks. And this blog has become ridiculously emo as a result. Sorry in advance because I’m going to introspect and be cranky some more.

I have just realized that I’ve pretty much wasted about eight months of my life. And that came on the heels of about another year-and-a-half of useless, wasted, fucked-up BS. I have to admit, I do have an uncanny talent for choosing exactly the person who will end up damaging me the most. To be honest, I think I’ve probably cried more about this thing that just ended than I’ve ever cried over anything before.

Thing is, there was a precise moment when I could’ve saved myself about five months and some grief if I’d just listened to my gut. At that moment, I even said the magic words out loud, “I always choose the wrong man to be with.”

Do you know what I am? I’m that girl that guys mess around with just before they finally settle into a decent, healthy relationship with someone else, the one that came right before the wife, the fiance, the Mistress. I fix up broken-down, useless men for some other girl to drive off the lot. That’s me. I feel like someone should hand me a prize for my Contributions to Straight Womankind.

I realize the issue is me. I do. I really do. I’m the common denominator in all these ventures. I can’t assign blame or responsibility to anyone else. But then what? How do you break a  bad habit?

Honestly, at the moment I’m feeling so put off by dating and D/s and sex and men that I’m reluctant to get out there  and try again. It’s not difficult for me to meet suitable guys. I could call someone tonight and have a date for the weekend.

The trouble is that I feel like I can’t trust my judgment when it comes to this stuff anymore.  I’m pretty convinced now that I must be giving off ‘sucker’ and ‘use me’ vibes. And I don’t think I can easily trust another person again. The last few guys were not liars, per se, but they were definitely not honest with me. They each fucked around with me, in various ways, all the while talking about what nice guys they were, how hurt they’d been in the past, how sensitive and fragile they were. Fuck me if that  limping puppy dog act doesn’t get me every goddamned time.

So what should I do? Or what should I stop doing?

One thing I’ve been telling myself is that I have to stop going for the kind of men I normally go for. What else? Should I date self-proclaimed assholes? Forgo sex on the first date (the significance of which I’ve always discounted in the past)? Play all of the conventional dating games even if they bore the shit out of me? I’m at a loss, really.

I probably should take a break for a little while, though the last ‘break’ I took was over six months long. Oy.

Thank god for vibrators. And Fiona Apple. The girl can work a just-got-fucked-over mood like no one else.

4 Responses to “What did I learn?”

  1. W Says:

    Dear S&L,

    Very sorry to read that you’ve been through the wringer.

    Dating is hard, dating kinky is 1000x’s harder.

    I don’t have suggestions, just wanted to say that a lot of us have been there…

    And don’t apologize for getting emo in your blog. If everybody else in the world can do it, why *not* you?


    (Hope you find that Alpha male eventually)

  2. Devotee Says:


    You have had a pretty tough experience…but hey, you are still alive, stronger, wiser, and still give off a good vibe. This will pass. I was disappointed when your profile disappeared, I was hoping we would have had the chance to chat a bit more. Anyway, Iif you would like to chat a bit more, my email address is my profile name @ gmail . com. Be well.



  3. Thanks for the words of encouragement, W. Honestly though, I think I’d be happy with even a well-adjusted Beta at this point.

  4. Thanks D. Sorry to disappear, but Fetlife wasn’t doing it for me. I think I’m over social networking sites in general.

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