No good men?

August 5, 2009

Sometimes I’m asked what my ‘type’ is. I don’t have a good, pat answer. When I review my past boyfriends, etc., there’s not a lot of commonalities to point to. They were a multi-ethnic bunch, had different builds, careers, interests, etc. My taste in men is idiosyncratic.

I have some general preferences. In terms of looks, I like a good forehead, muscular forearms, strong hands, a boyish smile. Height, weight, hair/eye color, don’t matter to me (though I tend to go for brunettes). Generally, I don’t find skinniness attractive, nor androgyny. I usually prefer my dudes to have meat on their bones, to be stocky and kinda hairy and definitely butch. But I’ve dated all kinds and don’t automatically rule out someone based on some arbitrary little thing.

So I don’t have a type, but sometimes I get a craving for conventionally unattractive men, unattractive in a particular, blue-collar, third-generation kind of way, thick men with brassy voices, beer guts and fur crawling down their arms to mat the backs of their hands. I find Alec Baldwin to be more attractive now that he’s packed on a few. I have had a crush on John Belushi. I would fuck Jack Black.

Yeah, it’s kind of a weird fetish. I guess it’s just my version of wanting to dominate an alpha male.

I haven’t really acted on this impulse because such guys in real life tend to be off-putting in how they approach women. I remember standing on a train platform once and having a guy sidle up to me and ask, staring hard, “Yo, can I get yer numbah?” Just like that. I strongly considered pretending I don’t speak English, but decided to lie in the most transparent way possible instead, “Oh sorry, I have a, um, boyfriend. Yeah, a boyfriend. I’m in a relationship.”

Why did I do this?

One of my friends even bought a fake diamond ring that she’ll switch to the appropriate finger when she wants to be left alone.

Why do women feel the need to reject men gently? To give them excuses? It’s not you, it’s me/my boyfriend/my problem. You know it’s a fucked up world when mass media and corporations collude in order to tear down female egos, while we women feel obligated to preserve male egos, e.g. that classic lie, “size doesn’t matter.”

I’m rambling a little. I wrote the first half of this post weeks ago. I’m finishing this up after having read about that maniac who shot up a gym last night. The excerpts from his blog are deeply disturbing for their misogyny and racism, obsession with power and control, his obvious mental instability, and yet…and yet this guy’s complaints about being unable to find a girlfriend or get laid sound SO familiar.

He talked about women as being crucial to men’s self-confidence, but called us “hoes” too. He objectified pretty young women, describing them “edible” and “not…human” in the same sentence. For this guy, “desirable women” were things that existed for the benefit of men–to provide companionship and sex and self-actualization for men. They were not human beings with their own dreams, desires, and needs.

Sodini’s rantings remind me of those guys who pay you compliments in the street, but get angry if you ignore them or don’t respond with a smile and a “thank you, kind sir. What say you and me go make out?” I hate when this happens because it reminds me of how stacked the deck is against women (everything is lose-lose) and that tends to fuck with my mood. So I tense up slightly if I’m about to pass a guy with a working-class air about him (sorry for the blatant generalizations, but I’ve never had a yuppie-type hiss at me from a car window or try to touch me on the bus).

And I sometimes get the Sodini vibe from submissive men too. I wonder if they can clearly see me as me, and not just a dominatrix fantasy figure, someone who will fulfill their needs and desires, but is ultimately interchangeable with any other Domme.  This nagging doubt probably exacerbated what was wrong about the last relationship and has made me kind of hesitant about dating again.

So yeah, I have this fear of being used. But again and again, I end up with guys who do precisely that, which has ended up making me feel conflicted about my dominance. Like, it’s how I express myself sexually, but I don’t want to be someone’s fetish doll. I guess it’s sort of like my general dismay over the Asian fetish. Like everyone, I want to be desired and liked and loved for being me, and not fetishized for things that are just aspects of me.

I know I need to get over it. But how?

“No Good Man” – Billie Holiday.

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One Response to “No good men?”


  1. I loved every single word of this post !


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