Fuck off, Hamlet

July 24, 2009

My mid-summer-ish resolution is: To not get involved with emotionally-stunted guys ever again.

It’s not like they’re so clever at hiding it that I get involved before figuring it out. That’s the worst part: I totally know what I’m getting into. Hell, that wounded bird schtick is part of what sucks me in.

I especially seem drawn to hints of little-boy vulnerability peeking out from a typically macho or bluff surface. Funny boys tend to have this perfect, horrible combination. Oh the pain of the weeping clown. Come to me, dear clowny. I will save you!

It’s sick, I know. I now sort of think that it is of a piece with my sexuality (as well as a host of other things).

I’m not given to extreme emotions.; I travel on a middle path. But I’ve always felt other people’s pain more vividly than my own. I feel sad when I imagine someone else’s sorrow. I have a fairly high tolerance for physical pain. The pleasure I derive from topping is the result of this circuit that the bottom and I form. He feels the immediate physical sensations; I absorb the pain-pleasure through his reactions. Everything I experience has to be intellectualized to some degree.

Or maybe I’m just an emotional voyeur.

Whatever the case may be, I’m going to be innovative and to try not to get involved with guys who talk big but live small lives, are still getting over exes. are eaten away by insecurity and doubt; those who are unavailable in myriad ways.

So I’m going to try to find someone who’s the opposite of what I usually go for. Someone who is: secure and confident (not just cocky to make up for some felt inadequacy); ambitious and/or successful according to conventional measure (I’ve always discounted this in the past); certain about what he wants from life, actively going after it, tenacious (not someone stuck and unwilling to do anything about it, a ditherer). In short: someone with a motherfucking backbone.

I can work with that. I can’t handle dealing with mush or broken pieces again. I’m tired of being a private cheerleader and therapist for fucked up boys, of being everlastingly patient and understanding. I have my own problems, fellas. I don’t need yours too.

I need…hm. I need a Claudius-type. Sans the fratricide and incest, of course. But in the very least, I need to stop dating Hamlets.


2 Responses to “Fuck off, Hamlet”

  1. persephone Says:

    hi… i’m just passing through but i couldn’t help but leave my two cents. i vowed something similar some years ago, though the type of problem-guy i was drawn to was totally different than yours. i was drawn to charismatic dominant men who couldn’t make space for my needs, and who got angry and abusive. after a few go-rounds with that, i vowed never again (kind of like you did here) and i went out and found myself a reserved, shy guy who preferred that i took the lead. but wouldn’t you know it, before long he started getting overly angry and abusive too, and that relationship ended in ruins like all the rest. the moral of the story is that it doesn’t help to go for ‘the opposite of what i usually go for.’ trust me… i wasted years figuring that out.

    the solution for me was some serious soul searching and therapy to get to the bottom of what the fuck i was doing. i’m not sure how to describe the process i went through, but i came out of it understanding myself more and feeling more accepting of my attraction to a certain kind of man. now i accept myself more and i’m able to accept my partner more. and i’m in my first-ever relationship that doesn’t involve scary fighting and abuse.

    for what it’s worth. 🙂 there’s some important reason why you’re drawn to relationships that feel like this, and until you figure it out you won’t be able to break free of hamlet.

  2. You’re 100% right. I’m the common denominator in these relationships and I’m pretty sure I know why. Still, dating someone who is emotionally healthy and capable of being in a grown-up relationship seems like a start, no?

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