Running in place

April 18, 2009

I’m still working on boundary issues, feelings of possessiveness and doubt, twinges of jealousy, the sense of lurching unavoidably toward something bigger while trying, discreetly, to apply the brakes.

There’s a natural momentum to these things when the chemistry works. It can be difficult to sustain the present without moving forward. But what if moving forward just means moving closer to the end?

Sometimes I have these startling moments of clarity and thoughts of leaving and ending and self-preservation bubble up. Then we’ll be together, holding each other, and it feels so good and so right that those cold, lucid moments are altogether banished. I nestle into his warmth and think (or maybe it’s just a feeling): now, now, now.

The worrying begins right after he leaves, when the shock of his departure is bright in the rooms. Then my feelings forget and I’m able to not dwell on the worries until the next time I see him, the next time he stares into my eyes with such abject adoration.

I can remember the last time I saw such a look in a boy’s eyes and how uncomfortable it made me feel. I read the end in that look even back then and so I worry about now.

He told me he was afraid of being hurt again, in the real way. I could not promise him that I would not hurt him, only that I’d try not to. I can’t promise because I don’t trust myself in these matters. I don’t know what I’m capable of doing…is anyone?

I like to hurt people, but not in the real way.


One Response to “Running in place”

  1. unspeakableaxe Says:

    Maybe if you kept a hood over his face the whole time you wouldn’t need to worry about seeing his eyes.

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