The sweetest song of all

April 10, 2009

“Me, me, me, me, me, me, me…”

I stole that one from Brando.

One thing I’m trying to figure out is how certain things become problematic when put into a D/s context. For instance, I’ve lately found myself giving a lot of emotional support, pep talks, etc. to a few subs I know who are going through some rough times. In one sense, this seems like it could be interpreted as me being an attentive, concerned Domme. In another sense, I might just be doing that thing that we women do (and are expected to do): care.

Now that I’ve hung out in Kinkland for awhile, I see that actions, words, relations, all depend on context to give them meaning. A sub woman might interpret being taken out on the town as reinforcing her place as a dominant’s pet and plaything. A dom woman might interpret the same thing as her due as a goddess, tribute, a form of service even. Like I said: it’s a matter of context.

So I’m dominant. I’m independent and don’t like asking for help. I’m the classic eldest child. I’d rather be the one giving advice and being consulted. I prefer to be viewed as the rock, the steady and calm fount of strength and wisdom (or something). And I’m not a ‘taker’, though I’m as self-centered as anyone.

But it gets tiresome after awhile. I feel like I’m doing a lot of giving and am not sure what I’m getting in return. Worry, heartache, the quicksand feeling of being pulled inexorably into someone else’s life, someone else’s problems and issues.

It’s not just one person. I seem to be falling into this same trap with all of the sub men I meet. They all have problems. They all need help (my help, is what they seem to think). Dating since I came into my kinkiness has been a careful dance on my part to avoid the landmines, to find pleasure and joy where I can.

When I started out, I had a cartoonish notion of dominance. It seemed then like it would be an escape from the worries and cares of vanilla life. I could have my needs met, be catered to, fawned over, adored.

Now I’m starting to view dominance with more mixed feelings. It is starting to seem more like a burden than anything else. I see all the submissives out there (so many!) and my heart sinks. They are like baby birds with their beaks agape: more, more, more, more.

I’ve been thinking seriously about trying to date around a little and meet more sub men, but am wary of taking on more than I can handle. So my thoughts on this are less: More subs will make my life better and more fulfilling! Rather, I think: More subs will make my life harder and more complicated!

Maymay said something on his podcast that gave me pause. He noted that he thought that being submissive was a sort of expression or example of his essential self-centeredness. I was surprised because so many submissives (the men, at least) describe themselves as servants or slaves, wanting nothing better than to cater to a dominant’s every whim. I’m thinking Maymay’s characterization might be closer to what’s really going on.

Submission is about letting go, no? Losing or surrendering control, giving oneself over to an active, external force (the dominant). But that also means giving up responsibility, handing off mindfulness and consequences to another.

I’m starting to realize that I’m more sadistic than I thought I was. Hitting someone, hearing him grunt from the pain, that gets me wet.

But my dominance sort of ebbs and flows. Most of the time it’s there, but sometimes, sometimes, I wish I could hand the reins over to someone else for a change, relax, not think, not analyze, not observe, but be totally selfish and self-centered.

I can be selfish in bed. That part is easy. It’s the other parts of D/s that can seem like wearying burdens sometimes.


Don’t pay me any mind, kids. I think I’m just a little more stressed and tired than usual. Hopefully a good night’s sleep, some ice cream and the prospect of kinky sex will revive me and my flagging dominance.


2 Responses to “The sweetest song of all”

  1. truffledmind Says:

    I totally understand this feeling and I also see no contradiction here. The beauty of a true D/s bond is the mutual acceptance of all sides in a person. Being a domme shouldn’t mean that you are constantly in charge, or can’t let go at times. It doesn’t mean that you should become the caretaker of all subs, their guide through the difficult path they chose for themselves. I guess it’s just your own habit, skill and good nature to become so. It is tiring, I am sure.

    On a side note, I often wondered myself how self-centered I become when I express my desire to serve a domme. Am I putting my own needs first, or hers?

  2. Well, the great thing about a good relationship of any kind is that you get to have your needs and desires met, while also fulfilling the needs and desires of your partner(s). Even D/s relationships are about reciprocity.

    The neat thing about Kinkland is that it’s normal to talk about this sort of thing openly and explicitly, which is not usually the case with hetero, vanilla folks. I can’t imagine a conventional vanilla man wondering whether his desire to go down on his partner (say) is selfish or not. Your doubt is progress!

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