My last name is Control

March 3, 2009

I eroticize pain. Pain is hot. Pain makes me wet.

I’ve been trying to work out what exactly it is about pain that turns me on. Is it the suffering of the bottom? The fact that I inflicted it? The fact that I can almost taste his pain myself? The visceral feelings of the moment? The naughtiness of playing with taboo sex and gender-fucking? Is violence just inherently sexy? I mean, the sounds of someone getting beaten and someone getting fucked hard aren’t all that different.

What do I like?

I like hearing the whistle of my crop as it sails through the air, the slap of leather on flesh, the crack of the whip. I like coaxing him to keep his shoulders down when I flog his back, to thrust his ass higher into the air when I’m spanking him, to relax when I’m inserting a second and then a third finger into him. I like pulling his hair and watching his head flop around like a doll’s, then leaning in to bite his neck. I like the way he squirms and bucks against me, the little frustrated moans he makes when I hold his hooded head against my breasts. I like slapping him viciously, then kissing him sweetly.

And I love the woozy, slightly unfocused look that fogs his eyes when he’s in deep. I love the way his replies to my questions sound like they’re coming from miles away and when he asks me from somewhere, deep in subspace, “What are you doing to me?”

I like pushing my own limits as well as the boy’s, hitting him harder and faster and harder and faster, until his back is arched in agony. Seeing that makes me want to hit him with all the strength in my arm, and more and more and more. Part of me–a big part–wants to hurt him until he’s screaming, until he’s collapsed in a trembling, sweaty heap on the ground, until his voice is hoarse from begging me to stop.

But another part of me–an equally big part–wants to remain in control, to ride the wave of his pain precisely, in numbered, even strokes. For me, being dominant means being in control.

My sadistic side is sometimes at odds with my dominance.

A sub guy I was once in contact with accused me of letting my kinky desires overwhelm and control me. That truly pissed me off. If there’s one thing I dislike and guard against, it’s feeling like I’m out of control.

I want to be in control of not just the situation or the other person, but myself. I don’t like getting angry or overcome with emotion. I’ve never used any mind-altering substances. I don’t even drink that often.

During play, I’m not only aware of the boy’s limits, but my own. I would never let myself be carried away. But one element of top-drop for me is a feeling of regret. I’ll always wish I had let go, let myself be consumed by the moment.

I don’t think I’ll ever allow myself go there, to that dark place where real pain and tears and cruelty live. My even-tempered, steady, steady, controlled and soft-spoken self is more comfortable to live with.

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4 Responses to “My last name is Control”

  1. W Says:

    Not sure if this is even plausible, given the last post and the legion of “OMFG UR SO HOT I JUST WANNA SPANK IT SEND ME A PIC!!!” replies female dommes get when searching for a play partner, but have you thought about having the boy for play, and finding another partner just for pure sadism?

    Or does your particular mindset only allow you to play “heavy” with one person at a time?

    One of the best things about having these particular predilections is that in the whole wide pervy world there exists someone who can help you fill any needs you may have that aren’t being satisfied. You could find a person who was a heavier masochist than the boy, who you could let loose on, just to test how far you could push yourself, yet remain in a “safe” space, top-wise.

    Granted wading through a metric ton of wankers is probably the price paid to find a secondary partner, but one hopes for the best…..

  2. axe Says:

    Getting a little carried away isn’t bad:)

  3. MistressCarmen Says:

    Wow. Just wow. I LOVED this post. Very hot, and I rarely see another domme describe her experiences in a way I can really relate to. I heard about your blog when I listened to the masocast, but will be back to follow your thoughts.

    Thanks.

  4. truffledmind Says:

    A nice post to go with the “sweetest song of all”. That struggle between being a domme in control, or being a domme out of control. Or not being the domme at all?

    Does leaving the reins always mean letting go of the domme in you?

    As for the driving force for wanting to torment more and more – his devotion?


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