Selections from the inbox

February 28, 2009

I posted the following ad looking for submissive guys awhile ago.

“I’m an intelligent, highly-educated, very attractive, sadistic, kinky, dominant woman with a well-developed sense of humor. I’m interested in finding another submissive (or two) for an ongoing relationship based on mutual respect, trust and friendship and involving D/s and safe, consensual (non-penetrative) play only. This may involve domestic service, impact play (canes, crops, floggers, paddles), orgasm control/chastity/denial, and some bondage, but what exactly will depend on a number of things, including chemistry, rapport, and comfort level.

Looking for subs who sincerely desire to serve, please and submit to a dominant woman. Please be single, sane, drug and disease-free, mature and independent, masochistic, between 25 and 40, fit and in good health, with your own means of transportation.

If interested, e-mail me with some details about yourself. FYI: smart, interesting, funny messages are more likely to get a response; ones that drone on and on about your kinks are not.”

Below, for your amusement, are some responses I received, edited to remove identifying information. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, and use of caps lock key are original to the senders. My remarks are in brackets.

Horny vanilla guy: “Dominatrics? [S&L: What is this? Kinky calculus?] Sounds like fun .Are you attractive? Send me a pic of yourself and let’s chat to get this going.”

Classy man ‘perfers’ bush: “I love washing out undies and pleasing a woman.  Might cook you some meals and do your laundry.  Tall lean man with lots of class and big cock too lol and a car and would perfer a woman with an unshaved bush as my reward.”

Masturbator: “hi, i m breathing heavily as i write the mail, i have always fantasized to be dominated by a girl, get spanked real hard till I cry my ass out. I want to make it look natural, eg. we are having some food and I spill a little on the floor and you punish me, something like this out of your imagination. [S&L: My imagination?]

Secondly, I always wanted to watch such a session with a girl. So if
you find a girl who also wants the same, it would add some fun. I don’t want to have sex but I want to be craved for it till I am dried out raw.” [S&L: Maybe I can use your dessicated corpse for kindling. At least you’d be useful then.]

Fuck me, Mistress! #1: “Show Me!! Command me!! Teach me!! Please… 🙂 [S&L: Wow, you’re pushy.] Ive never tried any of the things youve mentioned and Ive never been submissive to anyone, it’s just not in my nature.. [S&L: Then why are you responding to my ad for a submissive, pushy pants?] I am typically in control of any situation that Im in. Im no pussy so u can maybe even abuse me a bit hahaha 🙂

Mmm I am so aroused by ur personal.  I can think of a couple things Id like to experience with u but I understand this is about please you.  [S&L: Somehow, I don’t think you do.] Which actually happens to be the thing I’d mainly wanna experience, TO BE USED BY YOU to please yourself!!  I am hot so use me… pic for pic”

Fuck me, Mistress! #2: “I AM HERE TO SERVE ALL YOUR NEEDS HAVE GOOD TONGUE WELL ENDOWED HIGH LIDIDO …  INTO WHATEVER PLEASURES YOU ” [S&L: …as long as it involves sex.]

Fuck me, Mistress! #3: “would you settle for a sissy? you can dress me up as a girl and do what ever you want with me. … i’m not too well hung, maybe 3 inches” [S&L: Are there any women out there who actually, truly kink on feminizing guys and making fun of their dinks? I just don’t see the appeal. It seems to be a very straight male-oriented fantasy.]

Slightly confused, 12-year-old boy: “well, don’t mind getting my butt-cheeks spanked. So, where do i sign up for the event? hey, i’ll walk your dog [S&L: Dog?], and u can whipped the shiet of out me.. i can take the pain,”

Sigh.

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3 Responses to “Selections from the inbox”

  1. Axe Says:

    Now I’m worried. I’ve never had my Lidido checked.

    Maybe all of these men are hoping for some student/teacher roleplay so you can correct their spelling.

  2. Tom Allen Says:

    You’ve got to get together with other grammar-conscious folk and start a blog just to display this kind of thing. I am endlessly entertained by the clueless responses whenever I happen to read about them.

  3. Sully Says:

    Hello,
    I am a first time reader of your blog.
    This is hilarious.
    Thank You!


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