What kind of Domme are you?

February 19, 2009

One reason why I started this blog was ’cause I haven’t come across that many detailed, ongoing discussions of getting into kink right from the beginning, when you’re still rubbing the vanilla out of your eyes. But I don’t think I’ve emphasized enough how weird things can look when you’re at this transitional stage.

Guys, it’s weird being so new to all of this. Weird telling people that I realized I was into pervy stuff about four months ago. Weird because most of the kinky people I’ve interacted with have known they were kinky since they were like, toddlers.

“Oh, I liked getting caught and tied up when we played cops and robbers in grade school.”

“When I was a little girl, I chased down and sat on the boys I had crushes on.”

“I had leather diapers. I was born with a ball gag in my mouth.”

From a newb’s perspective, such talk comes off (probably unintentionally) as a sort of pissing contest about ‘proving’ your kinky credentials. I’m guessing this might be a mix of a) the truth, b) leftover crap from the Old Guard about authenticity and ‘earning your leather’ and c) insecurity (theirs and mine).

(Yeah, I also hate it when people throw ‘insecurity’ around as a reason for everything that anyone does. But still, seems to fit most of the time, doesn’t it?)

Me? I’m still figuring out not only what being a dominant, sadistic and kinky woman means, but what it is exactly.

  • Does sexual sadism mean getting off from pain only in a sexual context? Any kind of pain? Pain in nonsexual contexts? Is The Passion of the Christ like porn for some people?
  • Does assuming the dominant role in a relationship mean taking on a more hands-on role in terms of decision-making, (i.e. doing all the heavy-lifting, being bossy all the time)? Or just lying back and letting the work be done for you, (i.e. “worm, your Goddess demands that you do My taxes!”)?
  • What’s the line between sex and play, if there is any? Should I be jealous if my submissive plays with someone else? Should I not be so averse to playing with female subs, even though I’m straight?

Once, I was thrown into a kind of existential crisis when a submissive man asked me, “so wat kind of Domme r u Goddes?”

After dying a little bit inside, I found myself stymied. What kind of Domme am I? What kinds of Dommes are there? Is there a well-known typology that I’m unaware of?

I investigated online and came across a few types:

Super Dominatrix: cold, cruel, wholly sadistic, evil and crazy bitch; has a pussy made of sandpaper and battery acid; the stuff of submissive male fantasy. Examples: Elizabeth Bathory; Ilse Koch; Ann Coulter.

Fetish Doll: young, pretty, toned, under-dressed, probably actually submissive. Examples: all of femdom porn.

School Marm, Nurse or Nanny/Governess: severe, prim, proper, starched, disapproving, reads a little older (oedipal complex, shhhh). Examples:

Gauzy Hippie Goth Chick: more into the spiritual side of BDSM, online play, velvet corsets, some crossover with the Renn Faire and sci fi/fantasy crowd. No examples, but there’s this post.

Professional: professional dominatrix. Examples: everywhere.

Well, I am not a sociopath, nor do I walk around with the “same doll smile crimped between [my] chin and  [my] nose.” I loathe velvet, don’t like the look of fetish wear, and don’t get paid to dominate men, so none of the above.

The way I think of myself is still evolving. I change my mind all the time. The one thing I know for sure is that people take this stuff way too seriously sometimes. Kinky folk can come across as incredibly humorless and uptight, which is the exact opposite of what kinkiness should be all about (here I go, making up a new rule).

What kind of Domme am I?

That’s like asking what kind of straight woman or American or pet owner I am. Labels can be convenient shortcuts, but sometimes it seems that lifestylers think only in terms of labels.

So, what about you, gentle reader? Know what kind of dominant, switch or submissive you are? Or is the question just as lame as I’d thought?

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10 Responses to “What kind of Domme are you?”


  1. Yep, the question is just as lame as you thought! LOL!

    It is My experience that the whole point of being a Domme is to delight in self-determination. Perhaps, some people want to fit into a category, but I think you’re on the right track in evolving your fetish your way. May you continue to enjoy the journey!

  2. Noel Says:

    Personally, I’m a switch, and I like it that way.
    And I TOTALLY agree with you on the types, and the ‘necessity’ of ‘being’ one of them.

    I have had subs tell me before that I’m ‘too nice’ to be a Domme. *snickers*
    This is primarily because I was treating them like a human being (whom I didn’t know well, and therefore defaulting to politeness), in a very vanilla setting.
    Funny, no one I’ve actually tied up and threatened to take a gelding knife to the balls of has ever said that, though…. *laughs*

    I don’t know what kind of Domme I am, either. I figured out this Toppy side (as more than just an occasional whim) only about 8 months ago now. I’m still figuring it out, and I’m not ashamed of that. (Although yes, the pissing contests do annoy me as well)
    I know that I’m kind, loving, tender, cruel, capricious, fucking evil when I want to be, vulnerable, and sadistic. *shrugs* I’ll figure it out from there, I guess.

  3. Mz Sue Says:

    It is as lame as you thought. The question is a kind of short hand, not an authentic question. It can be shorthand for what sort of kinks you’re into, or how you play… but more often I’ve found that it is shorthand for what sort of domination the sub can “buy.” They want the brochure description before visiting your vacation land o’ domination.

    I’ve also found that subs who ask any version of that question are de facto not people I’m interested in talking to. They tend to find any sort of humanity in their dominatrix to be incomprehensible. (i.e. “… but the latex porno domme queens don’t have personalities, why do you??!!”)

    Finding yourself in kinky exploration is like finding yourself an any personal exploration. It’s trial and error. What you like/want/crave and what you don’t like/want/crave is up to you, not anyone else. And definitely not up to anyone else’s definition of “types.”

  4. sera Says:

    Hill. Air. Itee.

    All that stuff about how people have been kinky since age three is self-puffery. I “became” kinky three years ago (almost!), although, like lottsa folks, I can in retrospect remember feeling oddly warm sensations when, as a youngun, I was immobilized. But in retrospect, I can also predict that Sarah Palin would be chosen as VP nominee, and that doesn’t mean I’m a keen Republican analysis. It’s just that lots of things are easier to see once one knows how the story turns out.


  5. When presented with these kinds of questions, I find it helpful to ask myself what the analogue in mainstream would be. I think it’s a good way to check for double standards too.

    So in this case I ask myself, would a vanilla, heterosexual, monogamous woman ask herself “What kind of woman am I?” or “What kind of sexual partner am I?”

    Since those questions will possibly sound nonsensical to most (they certainly do to me), and hopelessly vague at best (“What kind of human being am I?”), I’m guessing that “What kind of dom are you?” is just as nonsensical.

    Nice post, well written, thank you. 🙂

    ps: If it helps, I didn’t know I was into kink until after my 40th birthday. That was about two years ago.

  6. axe Says:

    Wait, so I shouldn’t ask a possible play partner what kind of American or pet owner she is?

    I Fail!


  7. […] bookmarks tagged jealous What kind of Domme are you? saved by 5 others     s0uthsides0ul bookmarked on 02/19/09 | […]

  8. Tom Allen Says:

    Oh gosh, and just wait until you get into discussions with people about whether you’re a Domme or a Top…


  9. Sera – That makes a lot of sense. I’ve also been able to look at certain past experiences, thoughts, urges, etc. with my new kink-colored glasses on and see them for they were, or indicated.

    Mz Sue – I agree. I’m glad that there seem to be quite a number of kinky people around who are also tired of the (pardon me) crap out there. Maybe good sense or reason will win the day?


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