January 12, 2009

The boy is much more experienced than I am both in terms of kink and just sex in general. He’s been in threesomes (note the plural), attended swinger parties and kink conventions, been bound and beaten and used in god knows how many ways.

Meanwhile I’ve been actively kinky for about hmm….three months? I can count all the people I’ve slept with –besides him–on one hand. I have to ask him about all kinds of basic stuff, like how bondage tape works or what the hell an anal hook is (I’m still gob-smacked about that last one). I’m not shy about asking someone if I don’t know something (and I’m constantly looking stuff up online…god bless Al Gore, by the way), but I still feel clumsy and woefully inexperienced at times.

The boy doesn’t mind. He’s very sweet and reassuring when I get my little fits of insecurity. But I think he goes overboard sometimes. Recently, I administered my very first flogging. It was…hard. I have never been particularly coordinated or athletically-gifted and trying to control the falls even of the lightweight, short and basic floggers I own took a lot of concentration and effort.

I still fucked up, though. At one point, the tips of the lashes wrapped around his shoulder and left some nasty marks. While part of me thinks the marks are kind of hot, the other part feels like she’s the lamest top ever. Why didn’t I just kick him in the kidneys a few times and just finish him off?

He told me it felt like I’d been practicing, like I’d been flogging away at people for years already. But then, this was right after we’d vigorously fucked each other’s brains out, so maybe his judgment was a bit skewed.

I protest, “No, I suck. I did x, y and z totally wrong. Ack, look at you!”

“It didn’t feel wrong to me. You’re a natural!”

He says this with a wide, loopy grin on his face before running his hand over my ass.

Big, horny, post-coital liar.

I know there’s no ‘right way’ to do things…just be safe, sane and consensual, blah, blah, blah, everything’s roses. And I know you don’t need ‘stuff’ to dominate someone, or rituals, or magic words, or costumes or whatever…it’s about chemistry, trust, comfort, everything that makes any kind of relationship work.

But I still wonder whether the amazing ease with which we slip into our roles, our head spaces, is purely a function of our particular chemistry….also, the fact that I’m fucking him. Could I get someone I’m not sleeping with to submit to me in the same way? Could I get anyone else at all to submit to me? Whispers, am I actually dominant?

I’m just me, I think. The same me I’ve ever been, just doing some new stuff. Sometimes I think that means I’ve always been this way and just never had a name for it before. Sometimes I think I’m just a big ol’ fraud and will be outed as the vanilla poseur I really am. Sometimes I think I should just shut my stupid brain off and stop worrying.

Argh. Has anyone else noticed the fact that submissives never seem to doubt their submissiveness, but every dominant everywhere (especially women) always gets all insecure and angsty about their dominance?

I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up (I have someone for that). I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with. I’m good enough, I’m dominant enough, and, doggonit, people like me!


3 Responses to “Newb”

  1. Noel Says:

    I’ve never known a dominant woman who hasn’t doubted herself at some point.
    I do pretty much every time I get back out of a Toppy mode (and sometimes while I’m in it!). Afterwards, I look at the marks on him, and I cringe inside. Did I really do that? Is he okay? I didn’t mean to leave that dark a mark, GOD I suck, why does he put up with me?
    But then, he looks at me with those huge, beautiful eyes and whispers, “Thanks,” and I just melt.

    And no, I’m not sleeping with him.
    The nice thing about many submissive men, is that those who have been in the scene for a while know that sex isn’t a guarantee, and in fact is unlikely.

    I bet you’re a better Top than you realize- or at least, that’s what the boys I play with tell me when I start thinking the same things.

  2. axe Says:

    Even the Beatles would wonder why everyone thought they were so good (well.. except maybe Ringo).

    The big question is: Are you enjoying yourself? If the answer is yes, don’t sweat the other stuff.

    Of course you’re actually dominant. If you liked flogging someone but didn’t like spanking them would that make you less dominant? More to the point, if you were great at flogging but your skills at something else weren’t as good, would that make you less dominant?

    George Harrison could play the guitar but couldn’t play the tuba, did that make him less of a musician?

    Ok…I’m going to sleep now after listening to The Beatles all day.

    You rock by the way.

  3. Gman Says:

    Being reflective and/or self critical reviewing in your head what just happened is the sign of a good dominant who cares about her subs and herself. Doesn’t any good lover do this, be they vanilla, top, bottom, Domme, sub? Self crit is strength. Beating oneself up is masochism when taken too far.

    Are You dominant? I don’t know; that’s for you to answer. You may be an erotic sadist, a service top, a physical sadist and emotional masochist or a myriad of labels. The labels are helpful, but their danger is confinement, not the whole you who appears to be flowing through the tasting menu of Eros. Perhaps what you’re doing is searching for your sexual thats coherent with your spiritual and worldly self.

    What I love about the D/s life, the erotic, is how we have our basic nature, but how it’s inspired and we’re surprised by who we are with a new love(er).

    ….a mind and and body open to everything, but attached to nothing.

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